I probably sound like the most broke record that ever got broken. Once again, I have compelled God to compel me to be humble. I gotta stop doing that. I feel like the ball in brick breaker. Every once in a while I will hit a brick, but usually I miss. The closer I get to beating the level the longer I have to wait to hit the top and then come slowly, back down to the bottom so I can try again.
In this game, though, I never run out of bricks to hit and the more times I miss the harder it is to even get motivated bounce off the bouncer and head upward.
Back on the wagon as they say. My fellow pioneers are getting more and more skeptical that I will ever reach the promised land. I myself, am skeptical.
The great news is, is that my oxen (Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ) are extremely stubborn about not giving up on me. I can't shake the fact that there is so much more. That I have a divine purpose. And it is not to be the funny drunk kid at the party.
It sounds so simple, and it really is. It really is.
Well I am back on the wagon. Two weeks clean and sober. That doesn't sound like a lot but when your used to getting high or intoxicated every day two weeks is quite a long time. I think I will start writing on here again.
I just got a job today at Mcdonald's. I am actually quite proud of myself for that. I believe it is saying something about my willingness to do what I gotta do. I am a pretty prideful person and I need all of the humbling experiences that I can get. Whether I think I am better than what I really am or worse, It is all pride. They both keep me from being able to recieve the help and guidance that I need.
I am feeling better already (facebook). It's crazy how a conversation with someone that you know genuinely cares, can lift you up and literally put positive energy into your life. Well, It's late and I'm super duper tired so I'm gunna go to bed. Love you all....
Monday, December 27, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Optimistic Floundering
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72xVqMl32HA
For added effect, copy that link in a new window and push play while you read. Maybe?
Okay, so I'm floundering. No, scratch that. I am floundering. Period. But I think there is something to be said of floundering. To flounder denotes a certain level of struggle. To struggle is to use, at least, a semblance of effort. When people say that their cousin is struggling, what they really mean is that they are floundering. At best.
Okay, this one could be a tangent.
One of my misconceptions about the Gospel, is that I have to completely make amends for everything I have done before I can forgive myself or begin to feel peace. That is really what it is all about, forgive yourself. When I am judged, it is not God that I am mostly afraid of, It's myself. I know that the only way to forgive myself is through Him. I am not really in a place to bear my testimony and I wouldn't want to do that right now because, if I do decide to live the way I have been living the last little while, it wouldn't help me in the end. Quite the contrary I think.
I was thinking about relationships. I was thinking about how much I love people and my relationships with them. It made me sad because I know how much more I could really love them if I was living the way I should. I can only love someone as much as I love myself and right now that isn't very much. That sounded emo. It wasn't, I'm okay, just overly self aware. I was thinking about my parents and my family and how they love me so much, that they won't be content or at peace until I am. I am sure, that it is so easy for them to tell if I am living in the way that I know I should be living. When I am with my friends I am doing whatever I can to distract myself from that.
I have started writing again, and I think it is fueling this mustard seed of willingness that I have been feeling lately. I don't know, I enjoy writing things that people can see sometimes, but I kinda feel hypocritical just talking about changing my life. I don't want it to be like the days where I went to church so that people could see me there. I am lucky enough, however, to have experienced going to church for the right reasons. And it was amazing. The answer seems so simple, and it really is.
I don't know, if you don't mind, whoever the three or four people who are that read this, which, by the way, I wanted to thank you for, wait, one more comma, there. Okay start over. I think I might just write on this thing because any support is good support. And I need all the support I can get, if I am going to do this. Which I am. I have to. And I really do appreciate your support in caring enough to read this.
Tomorrow I am not going to wake up and be cured. I am just barely getting to the point where the pain of the problem is becoming more than the pain of the solution. The solution, for me, is painful. Of course it is, I have done some horrible things after I was given some wonderful gifts.
It's time though. I'm freaking 22 years old. I have a mustache. It's sketchy but it has taken me 22 years to grow. It is my only accomplishment. Ha ha jk. That was so drab. I can't believe I just said drab. As you can see it is hard for me to stay focused.
I am not intoxicated. My mind just goes all the time and doesn't like to stick in one spot for too long. Maybe I trained it because so many of those spots are uncomfortable for me right now? Okay that was deep. Maybe too deep. What is this? A one man therapy session? With some possible observers?
Maybe I should just keep it to the random tangent, or observation and stop trying to be philisophical or introspective or self-aware or brutally honest or spiritual. I don't know. Whatever, I've got nothing to hide. It's going to be shouted from the rooftops unless I take care of it anyways. Honesty. At least I have that.
I'll check in again soon and hopefully have some wonderful things to say that I can feel a little more worthy of saying. Love.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Boils down to this.
Life is really just a series of cycles. I would like to think that it was more just a slanting line that went straight to the top. I would like to think that we are all good people with good hearts and good intentions and that God will be able to see our hearts and over look all the other stuff. Then again, I don't know about you but I pretty much do what I want. Not necessarily what I want deep down but I can almost always be counted on to do whatever I want to do, at that moment. Usually it is whatever is easiest and filled with the most instant gratification. Usually I want to do what I am not supposed to. Sure, I could probably argue that I still love people, and in my heart I would love for everyone to just get along and I would love to just do what I was supposed to all of the time.
I have spent a good portion of my life trying to convince myself to believe in something other than what I know to be true. Sometimes, as I jot down this almost exclusively useless philosiphical banter, something sort of profound will emerge. So far, that last sentence really hit me. I truly have spend the majority of my time trying to apply the principles I was willing to, and then making excuses not to follow the rest. I recently had a conversation with a 20 year old kid that went on a mission only to be sent home a few months later. Like the spineless chameleon I am, I transform into I green lizard man and tell him what I know he wants to hear from me. Anyways, we came to the conclusion that we would go to church and be active if only the church would "let" us smoke pot.
No, really, that is where I am at right now. I don't study the gospel, I study youtube video's for new information on proposition 19 in California, which is an initiative to make smoking marajuana legal. That is the best thing I have going for me right now, the possibility of weed becoming legal. If you get enough misguided, misinformed, rebellious youth together, they just reinforce destructive lies. I am one of them. I am a reinforcer for sure.
I need to have voices of reason in my life. Right now, at best the voices that I listen to are misinformed. I'm not saying that all of them are malignant, evil people who are just trying to leave me astray. I think that most of my friends truly do believe that their way of life is really better than all of these uptight mormons.
It's strange to think that I am only 22 and I have been about as far as you can go on both sides of the fence. It scares me. It makes me think, I really tried for 2 years, I mean, really tried to be good. I did more than try, I did. I acted instead of talked. Instead of sitting in someone's car parked in their drive way smoking pot, I walked to whatever uplifting situation I could. I think that lot's of this stems from black and white thinking, which is a topic I might touch on because it is such a huge and relevant issue especially here in Utah County. This is the thinking that gets kids to commit suicide.
This is the thinking that tells you, or told you, that that man smoking a cigerette out there is a bad person. It says that your either on a mission or your a drug addict. It would have you think that because you made a mistake you might as well make as much as possible because your already screwed. It tells me that I have to be like my sister and if not, then I am like my brother. This radical thinking has never done me any good.
Is there a happy medium? Is that what I need to find? Or are my suspicions correct? Is there no middle road for me? Am I too aware of God's plan for me to be content with a life where I have settled for anything short of spreading the love that has been so mercifully showered upon my head? Probably. Either way, I am taking people with me, whether I know about it or not. They probably both know that. I have let satan take my life for a joy ride and he doesn't want to give up the wheel. Everything I so or say is tainted influence
I have spent a good portion of my life trying to convince myself to believe in something other than what I know to be true. Sometimes, as I jot down this almost exclusively useless philosiphical banter, something sort of profound will emerge. So far, that last sentence really hit me. I truly have spend the majority of my time trying to apply the principles I was willing to, and then making excuses not to follow the rest. I recently had a conversation with a 20 year old kid that went on a mission only to be sent home a few months later. Like the spineless chameleon I am, I transform into I green lizard man and tell him what I know he wants to hear from me. Anyways, we came to the conclusion that we would go to church and be active if only the church would "let" us smoke pot.
No, really, that is where I am at right now. I don't study the gospel, I study youtube video's for new information on proposition 19 in California, which is an initiative to make smoking marajuana legal. That is the best thing I have going for me right now, the possibility of weed becoming legal. If you get enough misguided, misinformed, rebellious youth together, they just reinforce destructive lies. I am one of them. I am a reinforcer for sure.
I need to have voices of reason in my life. Right now, at best the voices that I listen to are misinformed. I'm not saying that all of them are malignant, evil people who are just trying to leave me astray. I think that most of my friends truly do believe that their way of life is really better than all of these uptight mormons.
It's strange to think that I am only 22 and I have been about as far as you can go on both sides of the fence. It scares me. It makes me think, I really tried for 2 years, I mean, really tried to be good. I did more than try, I did. I acted instead of talked. Instead of sitting in someone's car parked in their drive way smoking pot, I walked to whatever uplifting situation I could. I think that lot's of this stems from black and white thinking, which is a topic I might touch on because it is such a huge and relevant issue especially here in Utah County. This is the thinking that gets kids to commit suicide.
This is the thinking that tells you, or told you, that that man smoking a cigerette out there is a bad person. It says that your either on a mission or your a drug addict. It would have you think that because you made a mistake you might as well make as much as possible because your already screwed. It tells me that I have to be like my sister and if not, then I am like my brother. This radical thinking has never done me any good.
Is there a happy medium? Is that what I need to find? Or are my suspicions correct? Is there no middle road for me? Am I too aware of God's plan for me to be content with a life where I have settled for anything short of spreading the love that has been so mercifully showered upon my head? Probably. Either way, I am taking people with me, whether I know about it or not. They probably both know that. I have let satan take my life for a joy ride and he doesn't want to give up the wheel. Everything I so or say is tainted influence
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
The Definitive Word on Wisdom Lists.
So, I am 22 years old as of 39 minutes ago. That's 21 full years of trial and error. That's 21 years of good birthdays. Now I just get older. It's a long, slow ride downwards from here on out. Yeah right, that is so depressing. That picture up there is super random and has nothing to do with this post. Life is sooo rad and if it is a downhill ride from here, you know I'm gunna be shreddin the whole thing and just enjoying every morsel.
Here is what I've come up with after 21 years on this earth.
1. Fruit Gusher's are the best Fruit Snacks, which are the best snacks.
2. Blueberry Muffin tops are the best cereal, which is the best meal when your feeling lazy.
3. Taking baths is always better when you have bath products.
4. Talking definately isn't walking.
5. Watching people crash is the best type of humor.
6. You can never go wrong with the Beatles, Pink Floyd, or Radiohead. Ever.
7. Yoga really is awsome.
8. No one really knows what cool is.
9. Beware of the long toe.
10. Kneaders has the best breakfast.
11. God loves me, and you.
There is definately more. I love how I centered everything. It's so official. Maybe when I started I thought I might create the definitive word on Wisdom Lists, which I actually also just barely made up. Maybe I just wanted to ramble for a second, because it's my birthday. Well, "I have like 23 hours where I can use the "It's my birthday" card, so I better get started. Until next time. Old man river.
Here is what I've come up with after 21 years on this earth.
1. Fruit Gusher's are the best Fruit Snacks, which are the best snacks.
2. Blueberry Muffin tops are the best cereal, which is the best meal when your feeling lazy.
3. Taking baths is always better when you have bath products.
4. Talking definately isn't walking.
5. Watching people crash is the best type of humor.
6. You can never go wrong with the Beatles, Pink Floyd, or Radiohead. Ever.
7. Yoga really is awsome.
8. No one really knows what cool is.
9. Beware of the long toe.
10. Kneaders has the best breakfast.
11. God loves me, and you.
There is definately more. I love how I centered everything. It's so official. Maybe when I started I thought I might create the definitive word on Wisdom Lists, which I actually also just barely made up. Maybe I just wanted to ramble for a second, because it's my birthday. Well, "I have like 23 hours where I can use the "It's my birthday" card, so I better get started. Until next time. Old man river.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Nothing and Everything.
I need a safe place. This is probably the avenue I am looking for. It's dark, and I don't think anyone is listening and that is just what I need. I need to write, because I don't do it anymore. I don't ever have anything profound to say, but do I have to? I don't think anyone is listening here, which is comforting, but at the same time the thought that someone might actually read this is also comforting. Depending on who it is, and what this is about. As for now, I'm just letting my fingers punch around and watching to see what happens.
I can, and do, start to think if this is going to be an uplifting blog or a depressing one. This is no good. By pre-determining what kind of outcome I am trying to create I am tainting the honesty and genienuity of this, which is me. That being said, I don't even think I really want to talk about me. I just want to talk about something, or nothing at all. I just want to talk.(write)
There is one good thing for you, if your there. I am not going to flaunt all of the new revelations and insights I've had about myself or life in general. I don't know a thing about life and I am definately not in a position to try to lead anyone in any way to enlightenment. I am a feather, floating.
I haven't denounced my religion or my beliefs, but I haven't been living them either. So I suppose in a way I have denounced them.
Do I deserve to have the friends that I have? Can I call myself a friend? Can someone love me if I don't love myself, can I love someone else? Do I have to be miserable if I don't go to church? Can I care at all about anyone else if I don't care about myself?
I am going to be 22 in a week and a half. I am old. I've got nothing to show for it. I am tired, I am lonely. I don't want anyone to be with me because, whoever they are, they deserve someone better. Seriously though, someone better than who I am right now. Right now I am a liability. But I can't bury the feeling that there is someone, someone who loves me and someone I love. I know some people who they could be, but I don't think I know who that person is.
I don't want to sound melodramatic or emo or anything like that and I can see by the way this blog is going, that is what is going to happen. I love you all.
I can, and do, start to think if this is going to be an uplifting blog or a depressing one. This is no good. By pre-determining what kind of outcome I am trying to create I am tainting the honesty and genienuity of this, which is me. That being said, I don't even think I really want to talk about me. I just want to talk about something, or nothing at all. I just want to talk.(write)
There is one good thing for you, if your there. I am not going to flaunt all of the new revelations and insights I've had about myself or life in general. I don't know a thing about life and I am definately not in a position to try to lead anyone in any way to enlightenment. I am a feather, floating.
I haven't denounced my religion or my beliefs, but I haven't been living them either. So I suppose in a way I have denounced them.
Do I deserve to have the friends that I have? Can I call myself a friend? Can someone love me if I don't love myself, can I love someone else? Do I have to be miserable if I don't go to church? Can I care at all about anyone else if I don't care about myself?
I am going to be 22 in a week and a half. I am old. I've got nothing to show for it. I am tired, I am lonely. I don't want anyone to be with me because, whoever they are, they deserve someone better. Seriously though, someone better than who I am right now. Right now I am a liability. But I can't bury the feeling that there is someone, someone who loves me and someone I love. I know some people who they could be, but I don't think I know who that person is.
I don't want to sound melodramatic or emo or anything like that and I can see by the way this blog is going, that is what is going to happen. I love you all.
Friday, May 14, 2010
People who look like animals.Especially when they look like toads.
People with radical facial hair.
Crashing.
When you see it coming.
When your not supposed to laugh.
Talking to myself.
"Get a load a this guy"
"Oh, what do we have here?"
"Shouldn't a done that."
Gas station T-shirts.
With wolves on em.
Okay, It's been a while. I guess no news is usually bad news. Kinda applicable here I suppose. No, commitments. No, shpiels. Just live. Breath, look, listen, feel. I don't think that thinking is really helpful. Ha. Not really that funny. Umm..... I'm moving to provo today. I have some nice friends down there that I am looking forward to getting to know better. I feel like I'm reporting to someone. over it.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
What a place to be.
What a place to be,
When you know who to be,
And clearly see,
What makes you happy.
To become that person,
And watch yourself slide away,
Through a series of compromises.
Of what seemed like only a couple of times,
And you've all seen my demise.
Here I sit,
At what I hope is the bottom,
Of this horrible lake of anguish.
The answer is simple.
Look to the temple.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Morning Has Broken
I like naming these things. Someday I think I will be a caption author. Watch. Anyways, I just wanted to take a short moment to post something happy. I feel so much happier than I did last night. It has only been one day since I wrote that last one but, like I said, when my heart is right, immediatley the plan of salvation is effective. Salvation. What a wonderful word. It is def on my top five favorite words of the week.
Thank you everyone for the love and support you have showed during this time when it would probably be easy to say, "this kid isn't serious about this" and just kind of write me off. You didn't though did you? That, my friends, has made all the difference.
It is not the end of the world. Like my good (best) friend Ammon said, life is too short to not be happy. or something like that.
Well, I have just cleaned my spiritual laundry and now my spiritual room is fresh and clean and organized.
Cool, well I just thought I should send out some positive energy in the way of a positive post. Because nothing about my life isn't positive. I am moving out with my best friend and we are going to be truth seekers and good doers and were going to have soooo much fun along the way.
Your all welcome to come and play any time you bring cookies.
Really though, thank you everyone and I love you all oh so much. no wait. ! yeah. !
Thank you everyone for the love and support you have showed during this time when it would probably be easy to say, "this kid isn't serious about this" and just kind of write me off. You didn't though did you? That, my friends, has made all the difference.
It is not the end of the world. Like my good (best) friend Ammon said, life is too short to not be happy. or something like that.
Well, I have just cleaned my spiritual laundry and now my spiritual room is fresh and clean and organized.
Cool, well I just thought I should send out some positive energy in the way of a positive post. Because nothing about my life isn't positive. I am moving out with my best friend and we are going to be truth seekers and good doers and were going to have soooo much fun along the way.
Your all welcome to come and play any time you bring cookies.
Really though, thank you everyone and I love you all oh so much. no wait. ! yeah. !
Monday, March 29, 2010
Fearless Honesty
I am not fearless. I am afraid. I am hurting and broken. I don't know who reads these, and this probably isn't the best place to have a confessional. I don't even feel like it is completely necissary or maybe even a good idea to be as honest as I am about to be over the computer. The reason why I am going to do this is because this is not a change in direction but a bump in the road. It is quite a large bump but I am not the person I have been acting like the last several days, and through it all, I knew that the sooner I come clean and recommit myself to serving the Lord, the sooner this horrible feeling will go away.
The last 14 and a half months I have, for the most part, been true to myself for the first time in my life. I have stood up for what is right. I have done my best to be a Disciple of Jesus Christ. That is who I am, and this last week, I lost myself.
Over the last couple of months I have been slipping slowly into old ways of thinking and behaving. I have been seeking instant gratification in all of its various forms. I have distanced myself from the Lord enough to lose the protection I have needed. I deliberately took off the Armor of God, and went straight into the most dangerous of battle fields. And this last week, I lost. I became a casualty of war, of my own war with myself and with evil and with disciplining my body to listen to my spirit. I became a casualty to the colorful things of the world. Specifics are not important and not what I am going to talk about.
I will say that I decided to go to a birthday party of an old friend, whom I love dearly and whose life I can't be a part of. I have seen this cycle so many times that there is no way I could dilute myself into thinking that I would be able to hang out with my old friends and not do the same old things. I knew going to the party, despite trying to tell myself otherwise, that I was going to fall. It is the slow distancing myself from Heavenly Father that allowed me to be in a place where I was willing to sacrifice who I am for one night of (fun?). It is not their fault.
Throughout the whole experience I couldn't stop thinking about how much I was sacrificing. One of the hardest things about this whole thing is that throughout various drug treatment programs in which I have participated it has been said that relapse is a part of recovery. That is not true. It was such a wonderful feeling to feel like I knew that I would never touch any thing that would alter my state of being ever again. Relapse was not going to be part of my recovery. Well, now it is.
I am saying this because I need help. I need those people who love me to be aware of what I am going through so that they can support me and know that I need the help and love of everyone right now more than ever. This is not a time for me to hang my head in shame and isolate from the world, even though that is all I feel like doing at this moment. I am not that person anymore, but I know that I could quickly become that person again if I let this go on any longer.
The day I got out of jail I wrote this letter to myself while I was waiting for my parents to pick me up. I know it has helped me already and that this is going to be a struggle, but it is a struggle that I am going to make with the help of the Lord. And I AM going to make it. Hopefully this letter will possibly help someone else in some way. I know I wrote it in a place in my life where I was influenced by the Holy Ghost. Here is the letter I wrote myself. I forgot about this letter so I didn't open it after I had been sober for 6 months after jail like a had planned. But I am glad I saved it for tonight.
"Taylor,
If you are reading this than you either, 1. Just relapsed, 2. Have been sober for 6 months, or 3. Another reason in which you feel this letter would be appropriate to read.
Today, I am being released from Jail. I have been here for 8 months. While here the Lord has blessed me and changed my heart and my life. I have had many very powerful spiritual experiences. I have read the Book of Mormon everyday, and finished it twice. I have gained a Testimony that I know will always be a part of who I am.
I know that I need to at least pray and read scriptures every morning to stay sober. I know that the Lord has the power to forgive and take away my sins and that He has and the He will. I know that I must humble myself enough to confess them and trust His way. I know that if I do things my way that I will end up back in jail or dead. This way is the only way I can be happy.
Jail is horrible. It smells, it's boring, and there is nothing more to accomplish here. I hope that when I do read this that I am doing well. I hope that I am pleased with the progress I have made and with where I am in life. I hope I am helping people. I hope I have a wonderful relationship with my family.
If I am not doing these things, then I know that I can be. If I am reading this than it is not too late. But it has to happen NOW. I know that the best thing to do if I get off track is to get back on as soon as possible. I know that I will make mistakes and I know that I will be forgiven i I repent. I know that I deserve to be happy. God wants me to be happy now, I have suffered enough. Where ever you are in life, you can be happy right NOW, you have suffered enough. If you have a willing heart and a contrite spirit than immediately the plan of redemption will be brought to you. It will be put into affect immediately. Right now, as you read this letter, if you are motivated to change and do better, which I hope you are no matter where you are in life, than you need to stop feeling guilty and horrible and let the peace of the Atonement of Jesus Christ fill your heart. He loves you oh so much.
I know that I need to love others by serving them. I know that is when I am the most happy. And I can't be the tool I need to be unless I give myself to the Lord. Give it up Taylor. Give up the pride. Give up the girls. I don't care how cute she is, or how many of them want to do innapropriate things with you. And if you think that they all want to do innaproppriate things with you, get over yourself. And stop hanging out with girls who don't respect you or themselves. And if you love your old friends, you will stay away from them.
By the time I read this, I will still know all of these things are true. I will always know that.
Taylor, let go of your pride. I know it's there! I know you have it! Meditate. Pray. Listen. There is so much more to life than sitting in Jail or drinking alcohol or going to parties. Indeed, those things are quite similar. If you are doing these things, I know you are not happy. I hate to think that I am more happy, right now, sitting in a jail cell than you are right now, sitting in a self created prison of Hell. Agency is a gift, it is meant to be used. Use it wisely though, or you will lose it. There is nothing to accomplish in jail. Please don't come back here. Please. Taylor, I love you. I respect you. I thank you. I forgive you. Now go, shake those chains off of you and live!"
That is all that needs or could be said. I love all of you so much. I need your help. I need to shake these chains which haven't formed but will if I even give them the slightest opportunity. There is so much hope. Life is so beautiful. I am pleased with the progress I have made and with where I am in life. I know that Jesus Christ is the light and the way. Please don't be afraid or sad because of my stumble. It is not good that it happened, but it is good that I am being honest and moving forward. I say these things in the Name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
The last 14 and a half months I have, for the most part, been true to myself for the first time in my life. I have stood up for what is right. I have done my best to be a Disciple of Jesus Christ. That is who I am, and this last week, I lost myself.
Over the last couple of months I have been slipping slowly into old ways of thinking and behaving. I have been seeking instant gratification in all of its various forms. I have distanced myself from the Lord enough to lose the protection I have needed. I deliberately took off the Armor of God, and went straight into the most dangerous of battle fields. And this last week, I lost. I became a casualty of war, of my own war with myself and with evil and with disciplining my body to listen to my spirit. I became a casualty to the colorful things of the world. Specifics are not important and not what I am going to talk about.
I will say that I decided to go to a birthday party of an old friend, whom I love dearly and whose life I can't be a part of. I have seen this cycle so many times that there is no way I could dilute myself into thinking that I would be able to hang out with my old friends and not do the same old things. I knew going to the party, despite trying to tell myself otherwise, that I was going to fall. It is the slow distancing myself from Heavenly Father that allowed me to be in a place where I was willing to sacrifice who I am for one night of (fun?). It is not their fault.
Throughout the whole experience I couldn't stop thinking about how much I was sacrificing. One of the hardest things about this whole thing is that throughout various drug treatment programs in which I have participated it has been said that relapse is a part of recovery. That is not true. It was such a wonderful feeling to feel like I knew that I would never touch any thing that would alter my state of being ever again. Relapse was not going to be part of my recovery. Well, now it is.
I am saying this because I need help. I need those people who love me to be aware of what I am going through so that they can support me and know that I need the help and love of everyone right now more than ever. This is not a time for me to hang my head in shame and isolate from the world, even though that is all I feel like doing at this moment. I am not that person anymore, but I know that I could quickly become that person again if I let this go on any longer.
The day I got out of jail I wrote this letter to myself while I was waiting for my parents to pick me up. I know it has helped me already and that this is going to be a struggle, but it is a struggle that I am going to make with the help of the Lord. And I AM going to make it. Hopefully this letter will possibly help someone else in some way. I know I wrote it in a place in my life where I was influenced by the Holy Ghost. Here is the letter I wrote myself. I forgot about this letter so I didn't open it after I had been sober for 6 months after jail like a had planned. But I am glad I saved it for tonight.
"Taylor,
If you are reading this than you either, 1. Just relapsed, 2. Have been sober for 6 months, or 3. Another reason in which you feel this letter would be appropriate to read.
Today, I am being released from Jail. I have been here for 8 months. While here the Lord has blessed me and changed my heart and my life. I have had many very powerful spiritual experiences. I have read the Book of Mormon everyday, and finished it twice. I have gained a Testimony that I know will always be a part of who I am.
I know that I need to at least pray and read scriptures every morning to stay sober. I know that the Lord has the power to forgive and take away my sins and that He has and the He will. I know that I must humble myself enough to confess them and trust His way. I know that if I do things my way that I will end up back in jail or dead. This way is the only way I can be happy.
Jail is horrible. It smells, it's boring, and there is nothing more to accomplish here. I hope that when I do read this that I am doing well. I hope that I am pleased with the progress I have made and with where I am in life. I hope I am helping people. I hope I have a wonderful relationship with my family.
If I am not doing these things, then I know that I can be. If I am reading this than it is not too late. But it has to happen NOW. I know that the best thing to do if I get off track is to get back on as soon as possible. I know that I will make mistakes and I know that I will be forgiven i I repent. I know that I deserve to be happy. God wants me to be happy now, I have suffered enough. Where ever you are in life, you can be happy right NOW, you have suffered enough. If you have a willing heart and a contrite spirit than immediately the plan of redemption will be brought to you. It will be put into affect immediately. Right now, as you read this letter, if you are motivated to change and do better, which I hope you are no matter where you are in life, than you need to stop feeling guilty and horrible and let the peace of the Atonement of Jesus Christ fill your heart. He loves you oh so much.
I know that I need to love others by serving them. I know that is when I am the most happy. And I can't be the tool I need to be unless I give myself to the Lord. Give it up Taylor. Give up the pride. Give up the girls. I don't care how cute she is, or how many of them want to do innapropriate things with you. And if you think that they all want to do innaproppriate things with you, get over yourself. And stop hanging out with girls who don't respect you or themselves. And if you love your old friends, you will stay away from them.
By the time I read this, I will still know all of these things are true. I will always know that.
Taylor, let go of your pride. I know it's there! I know you have it! Meditate. Pray. Listen. There is so much more to life than sitting in Jail or drinking alcohol or going to parties. Indeed, those things are quite similar. If you are doing these things, I know you are not happy. I hate to think that I am more happy, right now, sitting in a jail cell than you are right now, sitting in a self created prison of Hell. Agency is a gift, it is meant to be used. Use it wisely though, or you will lose it. There is nothing to accomplish in jail. Please don't come back here. Please. Taylor, I love you. I respect you. I thank you. I forgive you. Now go, shake those chains off of you and live!"
That is all that needs or could be said. I love all of you so much. I need your help. I need to shake these chains which haven't formed but will if I even give them the slightest opportunity. There is so much hope. Life is so beautiful. I am pleased with the progress I have made and with where I am in life. I know that Jesus Christ is the light and the way. Please don't be afraid or sad because of my stumble. It is not good that it happened, but it is good that I am being honest and moving forward. I say these things in the Name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Watch me get dumber.
Don't worry. I'm not going to try and trick you into thinking I'm smart. Not this time.
I have been in Park City for the last couple of days. I think there could be some bloggables from this. First of all, DONT, I repeat, DONT see the movie, "The Box" . Save your dollar. Buy a double cheese burger. Or, better yet, go celebrate march, The National Frozen Food month, by purchasing some frozen frood from your local grocer. Ha. I said frood. Obviously, I meant food but I am going to leave it because I think the word frood is awsome.
Frozen food, or frood, is usually pretty gross. I think that is why it needs its own month to compensate. But before condeming the entire race I am going to give a shout out to Bagel Bites, Red Baron, Eggo's and Dulce Leche Ice Cream. Frozen food is pretty good. I recall my previous statement. Frood, you deserve to have a month of your very own. However, so do fruit snacks, but I don't see a National Fruit Snack month. Only the Army could give me enough discipline to not eat the entire cluster of Gushers at once when they are stuck together.
Park City was a nice break from work. I don't really want to blog about work. I don't like how work is taking over my life and I am not really good at work. My boss has obnoixously big lips. Thats all I will say. That was weird. I already told myself I would not use the delete button this blog. I used to put cheerios in the toilet as target practice.
I went snowboarding with my family on Saturday. It was triumphant. Glorious. Sometimes sliding down snow on that piece of wood is the only thing that makes sense. Sometimes I use bubbles in the bath tub and make a fake chest mane. I do this to see what I will look like when I am old and hairy and gray.
I doubled my beef at Arby's today when the smooth, snake like, salesman of a order taker asked me if I would like to double my beef. He didn't tell me that it would also double the price. I'm an idiot. No one gives out free beef.
Last night I wore long johns cause my mom didnt bring me any P.J's. I am not a child. I can't sleep in my whitie tighties and a giant T-Shirt any more. Gosh mom. Ha. I realize how that sounds. Anyways, I was up there with some friends and after we watched that stupid movie which I already told you not to watch, we decided we wanted to go to the front desk and get a game. Everyone thought that I looked so hot in my Knickerbockers that if I wore em down then we would just get a free game. I was hesitant. I put on jeans over the Johns. Ammon told me to take off my pants so we could leave. Ha. Then, as we prepared to slumber on the fouton, he created a barrier with pillows between us. I was as surprised as you are. And hurt.
I have been in Park City for the last couple of days. I think there could be some bloggables from this. First of all, DONT, I repeat, DONT see the movie, "The Box" . Save your dollar. Buy a double cheese burger. Or, better yet, go celebrate march, The National Frozen Food month, by purchasing some frozen frood from your local grocer. Ha. I said frood. Obviously, I meant food but I am going to leave it because I think the word frood is awsome.
Frozen food, or frood, is usually pretty gross. I think that is why it needs its own month to compensate. But before condeming the entire race I am going to give a shout out to Bagel Bites, Red Baron, Eggo's and Dulce Leche Ice Cream. Frozen food is pretty good. I recall my previous statement. Frood, you deserve to have a month of your very own. However, so do fruit snacks, but I don't see a National Fruit Snack month. Only the Army could give me enough discipline to not eat the entire cluster of Gushers at once when they are stuck together.
Park City was a nice break from work. I don't really want to blog about work. I don't like how work is taking over my life and I am not really good at work. My boss has obnoixously big lips. Thats all I will say. That was weird. I already told myself I would not use the delete button this blog. I used to put cheerios in the toilet as target practice.
I went snowboarding with my family on Saturday. It was triumphant. Glorious. Sometimes sliding down snow on that piece of wood is the only thing that makes sense. Sometimes I use bubbles in the bath tub and make a fake chest mane. I do this to see what I will look like when I am old and hairy and gray.
I doubled my beef at Arby's today when the smooth, snake like, salesman of a order taker asked me if I would like to double my beef. He didn't tell me that it would also double the price. I'm an idiot. No one gives out free beef.
Last night I wore long johns cause my mom didnt bring me any P.J's. I am not a child. I can't sleep in my whitie tighties and a giant T-Shirt any more. Gosh mom. Ha. I realize how that sounds. Anyways, I was up there with some friends and after we watched that stupid movie which I already told you not to watch, we decided we wanted to go to the front desk and get a game. Everyone thought that I looked so hot in my Knickerbockers that if I wore em down then we would just get a free game. I was hesitant. I put on jeans over the Johns. Ammon told me to take off my pants so we could leave. Ha. Then, as we prepared to slumber on the fouton, he created a barrier with pillows between us. I was as surprised as you are. And hurt.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Random, Sparatic, Movements.
I paid 30 dollars for a couple of spy pens and a lazer pointer. I just emptied my pockets of plastic baggies that they put the nickles in. I can still see the sick, perverted pleasure in that old mans eyes as I handed him yet another five dollar bill. "This is the last one" I would say and he would nod and give me a smirk as if to say, "You'll be back young man, I own you."
Okay, maybe that was a little dramatic. But still, Nickle City robbed me. If I ever went to Vegas to gamble there is no doubt in my mind that I would return with nothing to show for it but a pathetic, patchy beard and some of those little hotel shampoo bottles.
How often in life have a sacrificed peace and happiness for a cheap thrill or some type of instant gratification that was over as soon as it began? How often have I told satan that is was the last time only to have him laugh at me as if to say, "I own you"? How often do I put in a nickles worth of effort hoping, hoping to get back a dollars worth of progress or blessings? The answer is a lot. Maybe even almost all of the time.
It was so wonderful to sit inside the Temple today between work shifts and just be. I didn't have to think, or act or try. It was the exact opposite. That is what I love about the temple, or often times, life. If I can just still my mind enough to let go and stop trying to control everything, I always have the most peaceful feeling of reassurance. It as if I am being told, "There. See how much better you feel when you let me control?" This is such a hard concept. To relinquish all thought. I am only able to achieve maybe ten seconds of thoughtlessness at a time, but it is also helpful for me to imagine my thoughts as little sail boats floating down a river. I can see them, I can even acknowledge their presence, but they are not the river. They are not me. I don't even have to judge them or stop them, they can just float on through. Woah, that was a super tangent. Way off the subject, but hey, you know me. Random and speratic.
I bought a Lizard and a Frog like a week ago. David Bowie, my Lizard is green and he cost seven dollars. Half as much as I spent on a magic spy pen tonight that broke on the car ride home. I figure if I can keep him alive for 2 months, then maybe I can get a girlfriend. Maybe I will approve of myself. Don't take this the wrong way but today, just to check, I asked myself, "Would I date me?" And no, I would not date me. My liabilities out weight my benifits. I think I am still the new boy at work and I think I have managed to trick the girls into thinking I am somewhat of a responsible person. They'll catch on soon enough.
It is a sad and lonely place to be where I am. Sometimes I trick myself into thinking that if I can just get girls to compliment me, or if I am being honest, if I can just be some kind of object that women desire than I will feel better. Then I won't be lonely cause I know that I could "get" a girl if I wanted. This never helps. Well, I've never really managed to pull it off but something tells me that it wouldn't help. I know I am a good person and I hope I don't sound vain, but I feel like if a girl really got to know me then she would like me.
I go on dates and I have fun and I have friends. I compare every girl to her, and that makes it hard, because no one is going to measure up to her. I wonder if I will ever measure up to her? I do know that I respect her enough to never pursue the type of relationship that I would like to have with her unless I was consistently living up to the standards that she holds herself to.
Okay, maybe that was a little dramatic. But still, Nickle City robbed me. If I ever went to Vegas to gamble there is no doubt in my mind that I would return with nothing to show for it but a pathetic, patchy beard and some of those little hotel shampoo bottles.
How often in life have a sacrificed peace and happiness for a cheap thrill or some type of instant gratification that was over as soon as it began? How often have I told satan that is was the last time only to have him laugh at me as if to say, "I own you"? How often do I put in a nickles worth of effort hoping, hoping to get back a dollars worth of progress or blessings? The answer is a lot. Maybe even almost all of the time.
It was so wonderful to sit inside the Temple today between work shifts and just be. I didn't have to think, or act or try. It was the exact opposite. That is what I love about the temple, or often times, life. If I can just still my mind enough to let go and stop trying to control everything, I always have the most peaceful feeling of reassurance. It as if I am being told, "There. See how much better you feel when you let me control?" This is such a hard concept. To relinquish all thought. I am only able to achieve maybe ten seconds of thoughtlessness at a time, but it is also helpful for me to imagine my thoughts as little sail boats floating down a river. I can see them, I can even acknowledge their presence, but they are not the river. They are not me. I don't even have to judge them or stop them, they can just float on through. Woah, that was a super tangent. Way off the subject, but hey, you know me. Random and speratic.
I bought a Lizard and a Frog like a week ago. David Bowie, my Lizard is green and he cost seven dollars. Half as much as I spent on a magic spy pen tonight that broke on the car ride home. I figure if I can keep him alive for 2 months, then maybe I can get a girlfriend. Maybe I will approve of myself. Don't take this the wrong way but today, just to check, I asked myself, "Would I date me?" And no, I would not date me. My liabilities out weight my benifits. I think I am still the new boy at work and I think I have managed to trick the girls into thinking I am somewhat of a responsible person. They'll catch on soon enough.
It is a sad and lonely place to be where I am. Sometimes I trick myself into thinking that if I can just get girls to compliment me, or if I am being honest, if I can just be some kind of object that women desire than I will feel better. Then I won't be lonely cause I know that I could "get" a girl if I wanted. This never helps. Well, I've never really managed to pull it off but something tells me that it wouldn't help. I know I am a good person and I hope I don't sound vain, but I feel like if a girl really got to know me then she would like me.
I go on dates and I have fun and I have friends. I compare every girl to her, and that makes it hard, because no one is going to measure up to her. I wonder if I will ever measure up to her? I do know that I respect her enough to never pursue the type of relationship that I would like to have with her unless I was consistently living up to the standards that she holds herself to.
Friday, February 26, 2010
It's been a while. Your not going to believe this. I think I was just all talked out. I talk a lot, about doing a lot of things. Lately I realized that there is no coorelation between talking and doing. At least not with me. If anything, when I talk about doing something, it makes me less apt to do it.
I get into an attitude of defeat. I have been making so many commitments, announcing them to the world, and then consistently giving up. It seems, that the one thing I am consistently achieving is failure. I think of something that will make my life better, I tell everyone that I am going to do it, then I feel pressured, I feel discouraged. The innitial motivation and enthusiasm that were present when I shouted my resolve from the mountain tops is gone. I have been trying to somehow talk my way into greatness.
It is at the point that I don't believe myself. I don't take myself seriously. I am onto my manipulations and my seeking for glory and praise. I'm onto me.
So in this respect, it is actually a good sign that I haven't been writing blogs lately, atleast not about my new resolutions to perform some kind of miraculous superman-phonebooth-superspeed change.
I am doing better at this now though, and this is meant to pe a positive post. Anytime I can become self aware enough to see a problem is a positive thing. I can then change it and learn and grow.
Small personal victories. Small private victories. Making promises to the Lord and not to Man, and being willing to give 100% percent to whatever commitment I am making. Anyways, I know that for now, it is much easier to be humble when I keep my commitments to myself, therefore allowing the Lord to help me much more than He can when I am boasting about something I haven't even done yet.
I get into an attitude of defeat. I have been making so many commitments, announcing them to the world, and then consistently giving up. It seems, that the one thing I am consistently achieving is failure. I think of something that will make my life better, I tell everyone that I am going to do it, then I feel pressured, I feel discouraged. The innitial motivation and enthusiasm that were present when I shouted my resolve from the mountain tops is gone. I have been trying to somehow talk my way into greatness.
It is at the point that I don't believe myself. I don't take myself seriously. I am onto my manipulations and my seeking for glory and praise. I'm onto me.
So in this respect, it is actually a good sign that I haven't been writing blogs lately, atleast not about my new resolutions to perform some kind of miraculous superman-phonebooth-superspeed change.
I am doing better at this now though, and this is meant to pe a positive post. Anytime I can become self aware enough to see a problem is a positive thing. I can then change it and learn and grow.
Small personal victories. Small private victories. Making promises to the Lord and not to Man, and being willing to give 100% percent to whatever commitment I am making. Anyways, I know that for now, it is much easier to be humble when I keep my commitments to myself, therefore allowing the Lord to help me much more than He can when I am boasting about something I haven't even done yet.
Friday, February 12, 2010
The Dreaded Bunny Hump
After staying up to an obnoxiously late hour, having viewed several disturbing images including a man in some kind of painters suspenders doing some unspeakable acts on an obese woman in a cage, I have come to the conclusion that I am not going to meet my future wife at 80's night. I believe it was some time between getting sandwiched in the middle of a bunch of sweaty dudes with there shirts off, and getting goosed by someone who, despite the overwhelming evidence, I can only hope was a woman, that I decided I might just be too old for this kind of thing. Maybe too old is the wrong term. Maybe I am just finally growing up? Nah. I still play with G.I Joes in the bathtub.
It is good though, to have these moments. They are Ah Ha moments and they are the forks in the road. I am not saying that 80's night is horrible or that it would ruin my life, or that I am too cool for it, I am not even saying that I didn't have fun. But more than anything it just made me sad. Immodest girls doing immodest things with guys who don't see them as girls but as objects for their own instant gratification and validation. I know because I have been there, I was one of those guys. As a disclaimer let me just say that there was probably some fairly wholesome girls there as well. To be frank, though, there is nothing wrong with dancing but I would say that it is impossible to go there and not at least see several things that make the spirit run for the hills.
I remember standing there at one point and it just clicked. This is not me. This is not who I am anymore. I had no desire to do anything with these girls except maybe help them. I wanted to tell them all to have some respect for themselves. I wanted to tell them that it didn't matter what they looked like on the outside or how big that guy in the pink tights muscles were that is dancing on you. Wow, while I'll admit that I am still in the shallow end of the pool, I think that my water just got a little bit deeper.
I can't go to a dance these days without being reminded of a bunch of frantic rabbits going around humping each other during mating season. I am sorry that was probably a little to discriptive but that is seriously what its like. It is not dancing. I admit that I don't know how to dance and I usually just wiggle my body and try to look like as much of an idiot as possible, making sure that I am always on the move so I am not pinpointed and targeting to participate in the dreaded bunny hump. I wondered what I was doing there in the first place. I would much rather be grinding handrails.
So I have moved into a new era of my life. I suppose you could cut my life into two pieces; "Pre-80's" and "Post-80's". Ahhhh. It feels good to be here. The air is sweet. There is no sweaty 18 year olds. Right. Now with the help of a deleted face book account, I can go and live my life. Or rather, atleast for the next 30 minutes, I can read Hunger Games and live the life of Katniss vicariously. That's cool too. I suppose that could be a whole nother blog, but I will say that because of Katniss, I fashioned my own bow and arrow that shoots drum sticks. Carpe Diem my friends.
It is good though, to have these moments. They are Ah Ha moments and they are the forks in the road. I am not saying that 80's night is horrible or that it would ruin my life, or that I am too cool for it, I am not even saying that I didn't have fun. But more than anything it just made me sad. Immodest girls doing immodest things with guys who don't see them as girls but as objects for their own instant gratification and validation. I know because I have been there, I was one of those guys. As a disclaimer let me just say that there was probably some fairly wholesome girls there as well. To be frank, though, there is nothing wrong with dancing but I would say that it is impossible to go there and not at least see several things that make the spirit run for the hills.
I remember standing there at one point and it just clicked. This is not me. This is not who I am anymore. I had no desire to do anything with these girls except maybe help them. I wanted to tell them all to have some respect for themselves. I wanted to tell them that it didn't matter what they looked like on the outside or how big that guy in the pink tights muscles were that is dancing on you. Wow, while I'll admit that I am still in the shallow end of the pool, I think that my water just got a little bit deeper.
I can't go to a dance these days without being reminded of a bunch of frantic rabbits going around humping each other during mating season. I am sorry that was probably a little to discriptive but that is seriously what its like. It is not dancing. I admit that I don't know how to dance and I usually just wiggle my body and try to look like as much of an idiot as possible, making sure that I am always on the move so I am not pinpointed and targeting to participate in the dreaded bunny hump. I wondered what I was doing there in the first place. I would much rather be grinding handrails.
So I have moved into a new era of my life. I suppose you could cut my life into two pieces; "Pre-80's" and "Post-80's". Ahhhh. It feels good to be here. The air is sweet. There is no sweaty 18 year olds. Right. Now with the help of a deleted face book account, I can go and live my life. Or rather, atleast for the next 30 minutes, I can read Hunger Games and live the life of Katniss vicariously. That's cool too. I suppose that could be a whole nother blog, but I will say that because of Katniss, I fashioned my own bow and arrow that shoots drum sticks. Carpe Diem my friends.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
I'll Meet You in the Middle.
You see that pencil sticking out of my hat? Despite the fact that it has absolutely no lead and is therefore useless, it still exonerates professionalism. This photo was taken before we really knew what we got ourselves into. I still don't really know. What I do know is this, I got a mad case of the Sheet Rash, It is physically hurting me right now to blog, and I have never felt more like a man. I mean, common, check this out....
Awww yeah. Thats some serious tool belt action right there. Seriously . Let me bring you up to date a little bit. Right now, I am in Zion, Utah. I am sheet rocking my parents house with my friend Ammon. Actually, right now I am reclining in a chair, typing, while Ammon is downstairs sitting in a bath tub, sponging himself with microwaved water, naked. There is no hot water and our blow up mattress has a hole in it. I say our, because yes, we are sharing one.
During the night, that bed transforms into the Valley of Despair.
Our blow up mattress has a slow leak. Slow enough to lull us into a false sense of security, while we drift peacefully off to sleep. Inevitably, I wake up in the night, having made forced contact with Ammon as a direct result of the Valley of Despair. The Valley of Despair is the crease that is created due to the slow leak of our Aerobed. To make matters worse, we have one pillow, granted its a body pillow but it still subtracts some of the Man Points I have earned on this journey.
Sheet rock, while helping to build homes, destroys families. It destroys relationships. Sheet rocking is the only time someone is exempt from swearing, I haven't swore but thats just because I always forget to when I get hurt.
It does feel nice to really work though, despite the injuries and the forced spooning. I think this is the hardest I've ever worked in my life and it has been wonderful to just put my head down and go. It has been good to get away and have a chance to think. The usual questions like, who am I? What am I doing with my life? And, How did they crack all of those Pistachio's?
My Mom got a huge bag of Pistachios, post-cracked and I have had a difficult time restraining myself from eating them by the handful. I have been thinking in my head how they are like the rich mans sunflower seeds when I realized that if you eat to many of em, war breaks out in your tummy and you never win that war. Ammon and my Mom have also been casualties of that war. Nevertheless, tomorrow I will no doubt go to battle yet again.
I am tired, this writing is blue and I don't know why. I have a whole schlepple of sheet rocking to do tomorrow, and I am making up words. These are all indicators that it is time for me to go to sleep. So sleep I will and tomorrow I will rise and I will rock. I will rock that sheet.
Friday, January 29, 2010
The Jock Smack
Usually I blog at night. When my mind is full of (often) useless information and observations. Right now it is three o clock in the afternoon. My mind is full of nothing. This should be fun. I have to go to work soon so This will probably be purdy short.
The last three days I have been outside every spare moment running up the hill in my back yard and then sliding down it on my snowboard. I wish I could take this motivation and apply it to other, more useful areas of my life. I could and I can, I just choose not to most of the time. I seriously have been having the time of my life out there being a Backyardigan. Ha ha, I don't know what that is.
My shoulder hurts. I hurt it playing ward ball last night. Ward ball is worth blogging about. Lets break it down: A bunch of (usually) older men who are holding dearly to every last bit of atheleticism they have and almost always exerting themselves beyond capacity. It usually made up of guys who played in high school but weren't quite good enough to play after that. This is the only source of competition they have left in their lives.
In almost all forms of basketball, and particularly ward ball and gym ball, there is butt slapping. Sports is the only time guys slap each others butts and it is completely normal and even, encouraged. I gotta be honest, getting a firm old man butt slap after making a good play is quite encouraging. It is how these guys tell me that they got my back, and my butt. It is how they say "good job Taylor". I don't get too many of those cause I'm not very good, but when I do get one, I relish in the glory. I don't hand many out either, I've always been more of a shoulder slap kind of guy.
After the game my Dad and brother pick the game a part in a play by play analysis. Who talked the most smack and who could back it up. There is usually mention of a foul that wasn't, and a certain player who got away with murder. It is fun, and it makes me feel accepted. My Dad could care less if I just learned a backside disaster to noseblunt stall in the back yard, but if I can hit a couple 3 pointers he will buy me ice cream.
I really hope that when I am fifty years old, I am not still talking about the "glory days". I hope that I am living in the glory days no matter how old I am. After all, the present moment is all that I will ever have and if I am ever focusing more attention on any moment other than the present, I will be in agony. The past brings feelings of shame and guilt, and the future brings feelings of fear and anxiety. Not always of course, because if I am living my life right, I feel good about the future and the past, but still, why not relish in the moment and feel good about what is actually real?
I will probably play ward ball when I am old, and I will probably talk smack and yell at kids to get back on D. But at the end of the day I will go home to a loving wife and family not wanting to trade what I have right then for what I had back then or what I might have in the future.
The last three days I have been outside every spare moment running up the hill in my back yard and then sliding down it on my snowboard. I wish I could take this motivation and apply it to other, more useful areas of my life. I could and I can, I just choose not to most of the time. I seriously have been having the time of my life out there being a Backyardigan. Ha ha, I don't know what that is.
My shoulder hurts. I hurt it playing ward ball last night. Ward ball is worth blogging about. Lets break it down: A bunch of (usually) older men who are holding dearly to every last bit of atheleticism they have and almost always exerting themselves beyond capacity. It usually made up of guys who played in high school but weren't quite good enough to play after that. This is the only source of competition they have left in their lives.
In almost all forms of basketball, and particularly ward ball and gym ball, there is butt slapping. Sports is the only time guys slap each others butts and it is completely normal and even, encouraged. I gotta be honest, getting a firm old man butt slap after making a good play is quite encouraging. It is how these guys tell me that they got my back, and my butt. It is how they say "good job Taylor". I don't get too many of those cause I'm not very good, but when I do get one, I relish in the glory. I don't hand many out either, I've always been more of a shoulder slap kind of guy.
After the game my Dad and brother pick the game a part in a play by play analysis. Who talked the most smack and who could back it up. There is usually mention of a foul that wasn't, and a certain player who got away with murder. It is fun, and it makes me feel accepted. My Dad could care less if I just learned a backside disaster to noseblunt stall in the back yard, but if I can hit a couple 3 pointers he will buy me ice cream.
I really hope that when I am fifty years old, I am not still talking about the "glory days". I hope that I am living in the glory days no matter how old I am. After all, the present moment is all that I will ever have and if I am ever focusing more attention on any moment other than the present, I will be in agony. The past brings feelings of shame and guilt, and the future brings feelings of fear and anxiety. Not always of course, because if I am living my life right, I feel good about the future and the past, but still, why not relish in the moment and feel good about what is actually real?
I will probably play ward ball when I am old, and I will probably talk smack and yell at kids to get back on D. But at the end of the day I will go home to a loving wife and family not wanting to trade what I have right then for what I had back then or what I might have in the future.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
I am here, now.
I am running out of random pictures to put on me blogs. I guess this means that I need to document some more adventures. I love adventures. I think I am a Yellow, I am motivated by fun. I haven't been on an adventure in a while. The last one was probably when I went with Gentri to the Salt Lake Temple and we got a flat tire on the free way. Then, on our way home we decided to take Redwood and ended up on the wrong side of Saratoga Springs. Is there a right side of Saratoga Springs?
Its Saturday night. I am sitting home, typing a blog. That's okay though, it is what I want to be doing. I really believe that we get what we want and whatever our situation is in life is what we wanted. It's a hard pill to swallow. We get what we desire, and we desire what we think about most. If we our finding ourselves lacking initiative in carrying out our rightous desires, it is because they really aren't true desires. This is all from a book I was reading last night called, "Drawing on the Powers of Heaven". A great book indeed.
I create my own limitations because of my lack of faith. I tell myself that, "Oh, this is going to take a long time" or "Oh this is going to be so hard". And you know what, it always does take a long time and it always is hard when I tell myself that. I am not trying to preach. I cannot do that. Everyday is a battle for me and sometimes I lose. I am past the point of being able to say that every day I have sober is a victory. That is not who I am anymore, I am not going to live a great life compared to the life I chose to live previously. I am going to live a great life. Period.
Last Sunday, as I met with my Stake President, I told him about my horrific past and all the worst parts. It was not enjoyable, but I was able to do it with relative ease because I know that is not who I am anymore. When I got done he looked at me and smiled and said, "That is not the person you are anymore, I never knew that person and I will never know him." He then told me that I don't ever have to, and probably never should share that again. Heavenly Father doesn't want me to look back on that. If I am spending more energy on the past then I am in the present, than I will be in turmoil. The past isn't just a year ago, it is also a month ago, a day ago, an hour ago.
I will not be like Lott's wife. I will not look back. "Courage Bretheren! And on, on to the victory!"
Its Saturday night. I am sitting home, typing a blog. That's okay though, it is what I want to be doing. I really believe that we get what we want and whatever our situation is in life is what we wanted. It's a hard pill to swallow. We get what we desire, and we desire what we think about most. If we our finding ourselves lacking initiative in carrying out our rightous desires, it is because they really aren't true desires. This is all from a book I was reading last night called, "Drawing on the Powers of Heaven". A great book indeed.
I create my own limitations because of my lack of faith. I tell myself that, "Oh, this is going to take a long time" or "Oh this is going to be so hard". And you know what, it always does take a long time and it always is hard when I tell myself that. I am not trying to preach. I cannot do that. Everyday is a battle for me and sometimes I lose. I am past the point of being able to say that every day I have sober is a victory. That is not who I am anymore, I am not going to live a great life compared to the life I chose to live previously. I am going to live a great life. Period.
Last Sunday, as I met with my Stake President, I told him about my horrific past and all the worst parts. It was not enjoyable, but I was able to do it with relative ease because I know that is not who I am anymore. When I got done he looked at me and smiled and said, "That is not the person you are anymore, I never knew that person and I will never know him." He then told me that I don't ever have to, and probably never should share that again. Heavenly Father doesn't want me to look back on that. If I am spending more energy on the past then I am in the present, than I will be in turmoil. The past isn't just a year ago, it is also a month ago, a day ago, an hour ago.
I will not be like Lott's wife. I will not look back. "Courage Bretheren! And on, on to the victory!"
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Invictus
Okay, this photo is like 8 years old. But it is still relevant. Besides, I don't even know if I could still do that so I'll post it. Then you will think, "Wow if he could do that when he was 14 I bet he is so good now!" And I will let you think that. Anyways, it is also relevant to my blog because I am going to tell you about today.
I am lucky enough to have a friend whose dad is on Ski Patrol. This is important because it means he gets free vouchers to Sundance. This is good because I wouldn't pay to go to Sundance.
We stopped at Wills Pit Stop and I got a huge soda and then we headed up the canyon. The roads were super wet and slushy and I remember feeling a little sketched out about how fast my friend was driving. I should have listened to that feeling. Anyways, we round a corner and start sliding. We were going around 55 miles an hour and I knew we were going to crash. There was four of us in the car and after what seemed like a forever long slide and a slurr of profanities, we hit into the side rail. Hard. My giant fountain drink flew everywhere as the four of us bounced around the car as it spun hitting the side repeatedly.
When it was all over we were facing the wrong way and his bumper was 20 yards down the row on the other side of the road. We collected ourselves, took a couple advil and waited for highway patrol . I was extremely impressed by the optimism of the whole group. There was an "ehhh, its just a totaled car" vibe going on.
After the highway patrol came and we got done filling out all of the forms, we had a decision to make. We could call someone to rescue us and take us up the rest of the way up and in turn losing valuable shred time, or, we could throw the bumper in the car and finish the job ourselves. We were going snowboarding, that was not the issue. We were a group of men, and one lady, we decided to just keep right on going.
The car topped out at 10 miles an hour. There was obviously some seriouse damage to the engine. There was a line of 8 cars behind us when we got to the single lane part of the ride, but we didn't let there negative energy touch us.
Bottom line is we got up there to a good 6 inches of fresh snow, and we had an amazing time. Life handed us a lemon, we didn't make lemonade, but we did ride that lemon right up Provo Canyon and then left it up there to be towed away some time in the future. My fingers are tired.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Buckle Up
My brain won't listen to me. I tell it to stop thinking about girls and its responds by thinking of girls. Why do I feel this incessant need to be liked? I know that part of it stems from insecurities and wanting to be validated. All you have to do to be validated by a girl is buy True Religion jeans, it really isn't that hard. It never makes me feel better. Self esteem doesn't come from having lots of people like you. Self esteem comes from being true to yourself, it comes from making commitments and keeping them. It comes from doing something after the initial motivation is gone.
I AM leaving to go on a mission soon. I know it and satan knows it. He knows where I am weak and he knows that this is the most pivital time in my life. It is not just me at stake anymore. I am going on mission to spread the Good News that you don't have to let satan rule your life, and that you can be forgiven for all the things you did while you were letting satan rule your life. It is not just drug addicts and criminals that need to change their lives either. Everyone must experience a change of heart.
There are certain things that other people can do and be happy that I can't. I am grateful for this. I have to be extremely sensitive now. I have to thrust evil out of me life in all of its forms. Insecurities are another form of pride. If I think that I am not good enough, than I am in effect saying to the Lord that His atonement isn't good enough. It is good enough.
I am not buying that "boys will be boys". I am not buying "Your a 21 year old kid and it is normal". I don't want to be normal. I don't want to be just another boy. So why do I act like one so much of the time? It is because I am lazy, afraid and unwilling. But more than that I am faithful, fearless and diligent. That is because the Lord is on my side.
This next month and a half or so is going to be wonderful, but it is going to be hard. I can already tell. Opourtunities will present themselves and I will be tried. But you know what? The only way I can grow is by overcoming and I love growing. So, bring it on.
I AM leaving to go on a mission soon. I know it and satan knows it. He knows where I am weak and he knows that this is the most pivital time in my life. It is not just me at stake anymore. I am going on mission to spread the Good News that you don't have to let satan rule your life, and that you can be forgiven for all the things you did while you were letting satan rule your life. It is not just drug addicts and criminals that need to change their lives either. Everyone must experience a change of heart.
There are certain things that other people can do and be happy that I can't. I am grateful for this. I have to be extremely sensitive now. I have to thrust evil out of me life in all of its forms. Insecurities are another form of pride. If I think that I am not good enough, than I am in effect saying to the Lord that His atonement isn't good enough. It is good enough.
I am not buying that "boys will be boys". I am not buying "Your a 21 year old kid and it is normal". I don't want to be normal. I don't want to be just another boy. So why do I act like one so much of the time? It is because I am lazy, afraid and unwilling. But more than that I am faithful, fearless and diligent. That is because the Lord is on my side.
This next month and a half or so is going to be wonderful, but it is going to be hard. I can already tell. Opourtunities will present themselves and I will be tried. But you know what? The only way I can grow is by overcoming and I love growing. So, bring it on.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Tom the Mighty Duck, and other stories
I hate debt collectors. I try to love everyone, but I don't love them. To be fair, I should say that I don't love what they do. Look at me petting that duck up there. I am so sweet, even a duck loves me. He loves my bread too, but even more than that, he just wanted to be my friend. I would rather talk about ducks then debt collectors, so I think I will do that.
I like how ducks quack, but I like it when they mumble quack the most. You know, its like a low, throaty, mmmack! mack! mack! I like it when they mack. When I was feeding this duck Whitney's sammich, I could help but giggle each and every time it nibbled my hand. I almost understood what he was macking at me too, he was like "Sup homeboy, what you got on my bread?" I liked him so much, that I "goosed" him as he waddled away. That was a great joke. Ammon was afraid of the duck so, despite what you may see in the picture above, he didn't get very close. Ammon doesn't read my blog so I can say whatever I want about him.
A few years ago we had a pet duck named Tom. He flew sideways and pooped on the walls in the garage. That ol' rascal. Tom was a Duck among ducks. That dude had some swagger in his waddle, I tell you what. Not only was Tom one hunk of a duck, he was an attack duck. Seriously. Every day when the mail man would come, Tom would come mackin around the corner and start going for the heels of that poor fella. If you didn't wear shoes or socks, he would make you pay each and every time. Tom eventually joined his brother, Coot, in duck heaven. Coot was a mud duck though so I don't know if he made it.
I think that's about enough for now. I devulged enough personal information. I hope you can understand now how I hate debt collectors because that was my purpose in writing this blog. I have a dog named Boo Radley and he is a black dog but I woulda named him Boo Radley no matter what color he was. Good Day!
I like how ducks quack, but I like it when they mumble quack the most. You know, its like a low, throaty, mmmack! mack! mack! I like it when they mack. When I was feeding this duck Whitney's sammich, I could help but giggle each and every time it nibbled my hand. I almost understood what he was macking at me too, he was like "Sup homeboy, what you got on my bread?" I liked him so much, that I "goosed" him as he waddled away. That was a great joke. Ammon was afraid of the duck so, despite what you may see in the picture above, he didn't get very close. Ammon doesn't read my blog so I can say whatever I want about him.
A few years ago we had a pet duck named Tom. He flew sideways and pooped on the walls in the garage. That ol' rascal. Tom was a Duck among ducks. That dude had some swagger in his waddle, I tell you what. Not only was Tom one hunk of a duck, he was an attack duck. Seriously. Every day when the mail man would come, Tom would come mackin around the corner and start going for the heels of that poor fella. If you didn't wear shoes or socks, he would make you pay each and every time. Tom eventually joined his brother, Coot, in duck heaven. Coot was a mud duck though so I don't know if he made it.
I think that's about enough for now. I devulged enough personal information. I hope you can understand now how I hate debt collectors because that was my purpose in writing this blog. I have a dog named Boo Radley and he is a black dog but I woulda named him Boo Radley no matter what color he was. Good Day!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
What a Tuwtle
Oh yeah. I'm bloggin. Just cause I don't know what I'm talking about doesn't mean I can't blog. I lack structure, I get it. I can't even write with structure, but who knows? I might accidentally say something profound! What you do is what shall be. There, now that I got that out of the way I can move on. We can all move on, here we go...
Okay I still don't know what I am writing about. But it is Sunday and I just got home from churches. I say churches because this morning I went and saw my friend Ammon be sustained as an Elder at his stake conference, then I went to my friends singles ward to watch one friend (Sierra) give a talk and another friend (Mckenna) sing. It was simply marvelous. No more CD's or Ipod's in the car when Kenna is around because she is just going to sing for all of us now. It makes me think back on a time when we were all trying to beat a song on Rock Band and Ammon was the singer, I suppose it would suffice to say that we couldn't pass the song. A recording of Ammon attempting that song has actually become a commodity of sorts within our group of friends. And to think, that whole time Mckenna was playing the guitar! Anyways, then I went to my ward where I hung out with my primary class, who coincidentally like me now because I gave them all mints that I got from Gentri's house. Thank you Terry.
Last night we all went to Pirate Island to eat and play because our dear friend Whitney is leaving to Utah State tonight. She gave 20$ to a balloon making guy. I think it was cause he was "smiley". It was so much fun though! SO.....MUCH.......FUN! Also, there was some poor lad who could not resist the intoxicating spell which was cast on him by the lady people of our little colony of sea sailing plunderers. What a horrible sentence that was! Anyways, this kid kept giving the girls tokens by the handful. They just kept coming! Gentry got addicted to some kind of button pusher game and at one point I saw her carrying a cup full of coins , with a weary look on her face, while panting that she needed another soda. Priceless. We ended up getting a ridiculous amount of tickets and now I got all sorts of swag.
I have an interview with my Bishop in like 20 minutes. I hope that I will be able to be ordained an Elder soon. I feel that despite my many weakness's and shortcomings, I am moving in the right direction and feel worthy to progress. TTFN!
Okay I still don't know what I am writing about. But it is Sunday and I just got home from churches. I say churches because this morning I went and saw my friend Ammon be sustained as an Elder at his stake conference, then I went to my friends singles ward to watch one friend (Sierra) give a talk and another friend (Mckenna) sing. It was simply marvelous. No more CD's or Ipod's in the car when Kenna is around because she is just going to sing for all of us now. It makes me think back on a time when we were all trying to beat a song on Rock Band and Ammon was the singer, I suppose it would suffice to say that we couldn't pass the song. A recording of Ammon attempting that song has actually become a commodity of sorts within our group of friends. And to think, that whole time Mckenna was playing the guitar! Anyways, then I went to my ward where I hung out with my primary class, who coincidentally like me now because I gave them all mints that I got from Gentri's house. Thank you Terry.
Last night we all went to Pirate Island to eat and play because our dear friend Whitney is leaving to Utah State tonight. She gave 20$ to a balloon making guy. I think it was cause he was "smiley". It was so much fun though! SO.....MUCH.......FUN! Also, there was some poor lad who could not resist the intoxicating spell which was cast on him by the lady people of our little colony of sea sailing plunderers. What a horrible sentence that was! Anyways, this kid kept giving the girls tokens by the handful. They just kept coming! Gentry got addicted to some kind of button pusher game and at one point I saw her carrying a cup full of coins , with a weary look on her face, while panting that she needed another soda. Priceless. We ended up getting a ridiculous amount of tickets and now I got all sorts of swag.
I have an interview with my Bishop in like 20 minutes. I hope that I will be able to be ordained an Elder soon. I feel that despite my many weakness's and shortcomings, I am moving in the right direction and feel worthy to progress. TTFN!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
A Mormon Off-Breed Sub-Genre
Okay. I first must say that I do not like being judged, and that I try not to judge others. I am not trying to fuel stereotypes here. I am just going to write a few things I have observed about a peculiar bunch of people I call, The Mormon Rebellioners. That is my disclaimer, this is my beef.
I am now a part of the work force. I don't know why I had to say it like that. Sometimes I try to sound smart, but don't be fooled. What I mean to say is that I got a job. I got me a job. Actually, I got help filling out an application and because someone (by an act of mercy) let me use them as a reference, I got a job. So I work at Brick Oven now.
I am training to be a server. I figure it will help me prepare for a mission, because on a mission you are serving food too, spiritual food. Anyways, it is cool and I am really grateful for the opportunity. There will most definately be a series of Brick Oven Blogs coming up.
As you probably know, (seriously, if you are one of the three people that read this, than you will know) Brick Oven is in the heart of Zoob town. I have discovered that there are many different Zoob cultures. All Zoobs are not created equally. I hope this term isn't offensive to anyone. I myself would love to be a Zoob and if my grades weren't so bad, I probably would be.
From my first day at Brick Oven, it was apparent that the Mormon Rebellion had infiltrated deep into the restaurant. I guess now would be a good time to identify what actually qualifies one to be a part of this Mormon sub-culture. If you can answer yes to 3 or more of the following questions, chances are, you are apart of the rebellion.
1. You say Eff, or Effin.
2. You participate in NCMO's. (Non-Commital Make Outs)
3. You get all hopped up on Bookoo's or other energy beverages.
4 You talk extra loud about your NCMO's so that the new boy at work (me) can hear you.
5. You say, "Thats what she said".
6. You listen to gangster rap.
7. Your idea of dancing is rubbing your body against someone while listening to gangster rap.
There are, of course, differing degrees of rebels. I myself have been known to participate in most of these activities since I have "come back". I am not guiltless. I used to worry that I would just become another jiggling blob formed from a Utah Valley Mormon Jell-O Mold. Ha Ha. Yes, I did just laugh at my own joke. I want to be cool too. satan (he doesn't deserve capitals) confuses me to think sometimes that being good is not cool. The world would tell you that making out with girls that you have no intention of having a relationship with is completely fine. The world would tell you that "that is what she said".
Why can't it be cool to memorize the Articles of Faith? Why can't it be cool to stand up and walk out of a movie that is inappropriate? Why can't it be cool to wear a one piece? Why can't it be cool to be good?
It can be, and it is. Let us raise up and be the salt of the earth, because if the salt looses its savor, what is it good for? If we, as Latter-day Saints, are acting just like everyone else, than we are going to taste just the same as everyone else. Okay so maybe no one is going to eat us and that was a bad analogy, but you know what I mean. I now realize that by rebelling so that I didn't have to fit into the "Peter-Priesthood" Jell-O mold, I am really just letting the world mold me into whatever it wants, and it is certainly not anything beautiful or cool. I used to think I was so cool, and then one day I woke up in Jail and thought to myself, "Hey, I bet I am one of the coolest kids in Jail!" What an accomplishment! I always wanted to be a spiritual giant in Jail!
What kind of world do we live in when we call someone's shoes, "Pimp", and it is a good thing? I say we sea what we can do to become more salty. Sea salty.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Someday Never Comes.
First of all, the title of this blog and this blog have nothing to do with each other. It is just a title of a song that I am listening to and that I like. It is by Creedence Clearwater Revival and it is old and it is awesome. My dad has a beard and he listens to it. Anyone with a beard who listens to CCR is cool in my book. Incidentally, I am still smirking from seeing "The Entrance of Darla" as I do every time I open up You Tube. My nephew watched that clip for 4 hours straight one day, I admire his resiliancy (made up word).
I have vowed not to right one serious sentence in this blog. I do not have my serious face on, I left it in the bathtub. The reason why I had it on in the bath tub in the first place is cause I couldnt figure out how to change the song on my ipod without getting the screen wet or getting a towel. It was a predicament. I ended up listening to "Holding on for a Hero" three times in a row. Don't ask me why I chose that song in the first place, I should not have admitted that.
I went out to lunch with my Mom today and she tried to convince me to bring back the infamous Bowl Cut. I thought about it. I am still thinking about it. I told her that I didn't want to a girlfriend before my mission and she remarked that the bowl cut would help. Also the state of my room and my over all life situation should help.
On a similar note, what age is it that a man is no longer able to sit like a man? My dad is one of the manliest men that I know but he sits like a woman in church. You know what I'm talking about, the weird crossed legged hand on knee thing. I was thinking that after all the shinanigans I pulled growing up he is just trying to relinquish the possibility of his ability to spread his seed. There must be a better way. Sorry if that was innapropriate, but I am going to have 20 kids before I sit like a woman in church. Despite the way he sits I would hate to see what would happen if I called him dainty. My dad puts butter on everything. He is a man.
My mom likes me because I like designer jeans. It gives us something to talk about when we go to lunch and listen to other peoples conversations. "Are those real?" is a question that is asked. About jeans. I have to go now, I am going to play catch with my dog.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Life on Life's Terms
I wish that all of my blogs could be uber positive and chipper. On second thought, I am glad they are not because that would mean I am not growing. If there is opposition in all things that means that there will be rough times a long with the good times. I guess it could be said that there are good times because of the hard times and vice versus.
Sometimes, I need to vent. I need to write and just talk to myself or talk to you and pretend that you are listening and that you care. I believe you are and I believe you do. To be completely honest I don't have a lot of people in my life that I feel I can talk to. I don't feel like there is very many people who even know who I really am. This is how it is possible for me to be in a room full of 100 people and still feel completely alone. There is one person who knows me better than anyone, He knows me better than I know myself.
Anyways, as you may have experienced, usually when it rains it pours. Today it is poring. I feel like I am soaked and cold and that I am stuck in this storm and there is nothing I can do about it so I might as well just sit down and write. Today, I am Taylor Spainwhiner as someone I know so lovingly called me recently.
I know it is impossible to give someone something that I don't have. If I don't have love for myself than I can't have love for anyone. It is hard for me to have love for myself when I feel like I am ruining the lives of the people I loved, or I guess, tried to love.
I have been so blessed in my life. More blessed than anyone I know and far more blessed than I deserve. I have seen miracles. The fact that I am alive is a miracle. The fact that I can go to the temple is a miracle. I am still here desbite myself. I did my best to destroy my life and I did a pretty good job until the Lord stepped in, and it seems I am still doing a pretty good job, atleast at destroying the lives of others. Now, when I say destroy I am aware that everyone makes their own choices. That no matter what happens to us, we have the freedom to react in a way that will help us grow or vice versus. That is the one untouchable human freedom, the right to choose ones attitude, ones response.
I had the wonderful opportunity to go to the Salt Lake Temple on Monday with a wonderful friend of mine, (which trip is definately bloggable in itself) but as I was sitting there, waiting to be confirmed, I was reading the Teachings of David O. Mckay. He said right there on the first page that Heavenly Father told us when we were Spirits that in essence we had progressed as much as possible in that state, and needed physical bodies to be able to move forward. We needed to be tested. Heavenly Father said that He would provide an Earth for us to come to prove ourselves on. He stated that we can only by overcoming. This last sentance has been on my mind.
I love how the Prophets make things so simple. You give me an orange and I will get 50 tools to try and peel it when really all I ever needed was my fingers. Anyways, it is as simple as that, if I want to grow I have to over come. I do not have to overcome alone. Somtimes overcoming means forgiving myself. It means that I don't have to carry the world on my shoulders and pretend at the same time that nothing is bothering me.
I can't continue to take responsibility for everyone else's issues. By trying to do that I end up not taking responsibility for my own. I know that I am special. I know that the Lord has a plan for me. I know that without Him I cannot survive. I know that I genuinely care about people. I love people. I love my friends. I am not very good at showing it a lot of the time. I feel completely innadequate most of the time. Right now I feel like despite my best efforts I continue to hurt those I want to help. I feel like a complete failure. Like a first class screw up. I feel this way but I know that these feelings do not come from God. It seems I might have to be willing to not have friends if it means going on a Mission. That is the most important thing in the world to me and I think if you really knew me than you would know that.
I feel like an idiot for putting my heart out there when I knew I shouldn't. I feel like an idiot because it is my fault. I do not feel a whole lot of love for myself at the moment. I don't know if anyone will read this but I will, with the help of the Lord raise about. Because of Him I am not the person I was. Despite how crappy I still might be the Lord flipped me around 180 degrees. I will forever be grateful for that and all of you who have touched my life in so many wonderful ways, even if you no longer want to be a part of it.
Sometimes, I need to vent. I need to write and just talk to myself or talk to you and pretend that you are listening and that you care. I believe you are and I believe you do. To be completely honest I don't have a lot of people in my life that I feel I can talk to. I don't feel like there is very many people who even know who I really am. This is how it is possible for me to be in a room full of 100 people and still feel completely alone. There is one person who knows me better than anyone, He knows me better than I know myself.
Anyways, as you may have experienced, usually when it rains it pours. Today it is poring. I feel like I am soaked and cold and that I am stuck in this storm and there is nothing I can do about it so I might as well just sit down and write. Today, I am Taylor Spainwhiner as someone I know so lovingly called me recently.
I know it is impossible to give someone something that I don't have. If I don't have love for myself than I can't have love for anyone. It is hard for me to have love for myself when I feel like I am ruining the lives of the people I loved, or I guess, tried to love.
I have been so blessed in my life. More blessed than anyone I know and far more blessed than I deserve. I have seen miracles. The fact that I am alive is a miracle. The fact that I can go to the temple is a miracle. I am still here desbite myself. I did my best to destroy my life and I did a pretty good job until the Lord stepped in, and it seems I am still doing a pretty good job, atleast at destroying the lives of others. Now, when I say destroy I am aware that everyone makes their own choices. That no matter what happens to us, we have the freedom to react in a way that will help us grow or vice versus. That is the one untouchable human freedom, the right to choose ones attitude, ones response.
I had the wonderful opportunity to go to the Salt Lake Temple on Monday with a wonderful friend of mine, (which trip is definately bloggable in itself) but as I was sitting there, waiting to be confirmed, I was reading the Teachings of David O. Mckay. He said right there on the first page that Heavenly Father told us when we were Spirits that in essence we had progressed as much as possible in that state, and needed physical bodies to be able to move forward. We needed to be tested. Heavenly Father said that He would provide an Earth for us to come to prove ourselves on. He stated that we can only by overcoming. This last sentance has been on my mind.
I love how the Prophets make things so simple. You give me an orange and I will get 50 tools to try and peel it when really all I ever needed was my fingers. Anyways, it is as simple as that, if I want to grow I have to over come. I do not have to overcome alone. Somtimes overcoming means forgiving myself. It means that I don't have to carry the world on my shoulders and pretend at the same time that nothing is bothering me.
I can't continue to take responsibility for everyone else's issues. By trying to do that I end up not taking responsibility for my own. I know that I am special. I know that the Lord has a plan for me. I know that without Him I cannot survive. I know that I genuinely care about people. I love people. I love my friends. I am not very good at showing it a lot of the time. I feel completely innadequate most of the time. Right now I feel like despite my best efforts I continue to hurt those I want to help. I feel like a complete failure. Like a first class screw up. I feel this way but I know that these feelings do not come from God. It seems I might have to be willing to not have friends if it means going on a Mission. That is the most important thing in the world to me and I think if you really knew me than you would know that.
I feel like an idiot for putting my heart out there when I knew I shouldn't. I feel like an idiot because it is my fault. I do not feel a whole lot of love for myself at the moment. I don't know if anyone will read this but I will, with the help of the Lord raise about. Because of Him I am not the person I was. Despite how crappy I still might be the Lord flipped me around 180 degrees. I will forever be grateful for that and all of you who have touched my life in so many wonderful ways, even if you no longer want to be a part of it.
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