Life on Life's Terms

I wish that all of my blogs could be uber positive and chipper. On second thought, I am glad they are not because that would mean I am not growing. If there is opposition in all things that means that there will be rough times a long with the good times. I guess it could be said that there are good times because of the hard times and vice versus.
Sometimes, I need to vent. I need to write and just talk to myself or talk to you and pretend that you are listening and that you care. I believe you are and I believe you do. To be completely honest I don't have a lot of people in my life that I feel I can talk to. I don't feel like there is very many people who even know who I really am. This is how it is possible for me to be in a room full of 100 people and still feel completely alone. There is one person who knows me better than anyone, He knows me better than I know myself.
Anyways, as you may have experienced, usually when it rains it pours. Today it is poring. I feel like I am soaked and cold and that I am stuck in this storm and there is nothing I can do about it so I might as well just sit down and write. Today, I am Taylor Spainwhiner as someone I know so lovingly called me recently.
I know it is impossible to give someone something that I don't have. If I don't have love for myself than I can't have love for anyone. It is hard for me to have love for myself when I feel like I am ruining the lives of the people I loved, or I guess, tried to love.
I have been so blessed in my life. More blessed than anyone I know and far more blessed than I deserve. I have seen miracles. The fact that I am alive is a miracle. The fact that I can go to the temple is a miracle. I am still here desbite myself. I did my best to destroy my life and I did a pretty good job until the Lord stepped in, and it seems I am still doing a pretty good job, atleast at destroying the lives of others. Now, when I say destroy I am aware that everyone makes their own choices. That no matter what happens to us, we have the freedom to react in a way that will help us grow or vice versus. That is the one untouchable human freedom, the right to choose ones attitude, ones response.
I had the wonderful opportunity to go to the Salt Lake Temple on Monday with a wonderful friend of mine, (which trip is definately bloggable in itself) but as I was sitting there, waiting to be confirmed, I was reading the Teachings of David O. Mckay. He said right there on the first page that Heavenly Father told us when we were Spirits that in essence we had progressed as much as possible in that state, and needed physical bodies to be able to move forward. We needed to be tested. Heavenly Father said that He would provide an Earth for us to come to prove ourselves on. He stated that we can only by overcoming. This last sentance has been on my mind.
I love how the Prophets make things so simple. You give me an orange and I will get 50 tools to try and peel it when really all I ever needed was my fingers. Anyways, it is as simple as that, if I want to grow I have to over come. I do not have to overcome alone. Somtimes overcoming means forgiving myself. It means that I don't have to carry the world on my shoulders and pretend at the same time that nothing is bothering me.
I can't continue to take responsibility for everyone else's issues. By trying to do that I end up not taking responsibility for my own. I know that I am special. I know that the Lord has a plan for me. I know that without Him I cannot survive. I know that I genuinely care about people. I love people. I love my friends. I am not very good at showing it a lot of the time. I feel completely innadequate most of the time. Right now I feel like despite my best efforts I continue to hurt those I want to help. I feel like a complete failure. Like a first class screw up. I feel this way but I know that these feelings do not come from God. It seems I might have to be willing to not have friends if it means going on a Mission. That is the most important thing in the world to me and I think if you really knew me than you would know that.
I feel like an idiot for putting my heart out there when I knew I shouldn't. I feel like an idiot because it is my fault. I do not feel a whole lot of love for myself at the moment. I don't know if anyone will read this but I will, with the help of the Lord raise about. Because of Him I am not the person I was. Despite how crappy I still might be the Lord flipped me around 180 degrees. I will forever be grateful for that and all of you who have touched my life in so many wonderful ways, even if you no longer want to be a part of it.