Does it matter?

I don't think anyone reads this thing but that is irrelevant.  Honestly it is slightly helpful to think at least someone is going to read it.  So I guess the thought is equally beneficial. 
I'm still on the same topic of trying to decide what the hell I want to be when I grow up.  Or to just avoid the sorry attempt at cuteness and just say it, I need to find a job, or rather, a way to make some money.  I know that I am going to have to get a job.  There is no avoiding that.  The key for me, I think, is to have something to work for.  Motivation.  And I am happy to say that today I got some very solid idea's flowing. 
Breaks are nice.  Obviously, I like to brake.  I like to pace myself and all those other phrases that make being lazy sound like a methodic plan of action.  I don't want to get burned out, that sort of thing.  The truth is, at least presently, that I am all breaked out.  I think maybe the idea is if I sit around long enough I'm going to eventually give in and just do something amazing already.  Like its a chore that I have to set aside a Saturday for, or maybe, heaven forbid, a whole weekend. 
I haven't burned so many brain cells that I am completely ignorant to the fact that I am going to have to consistently be somewhat responsible for a substantual amount of time.  It is going to be a process and I am going to have to work at it. 
If I take a step back,  I can see that this is something I have been working on for a very long time.  I mean, I can just read this blog and realize that I have put some thought into my future and the person I want to be.  Granted, the person that I want to be these days is a little more "liberal". 
I think one of the biggest differences between people who work for, and people who are worked for, is a relentless determination to never stop finding ways to more effectively help people get what they want.  It's really just me putting myself in the right place at the right time. 
I always thought that the term, "being in the right place, at the right time" meant that some stroke of luck came along and just whisped all your problems away and placed a giant gold nugget at your feet.  The truth is it has everything to do with YOU making the conscious effort to put yourself in opportunities path.  No one will or can do it for you.  And it's not even just a decision you make but the sum of every decision you make, every day. 
Look at me, all high on my soap box.  I should at least refer to ME, and not YOU, when I am preaching.  Obviously I am no real expert on the subject of successful careers.  I am just contemplating here.  I have had moments of greatness in my life.
That's the whole problem.  I have short spurts of productivity followed almost innevitably by the plunge.  I have to believe the plunge comes because I am doing things for the wrong reasons. I am trying to skip steps.  Trying to build a mansion on a sketchy foundation.  The sketchy foundation comes from a lack of self worth, which comes from a lack of personal integrity.  I have known about all of these techniques yet failed to implement them.  I have done everything that I said I would never do. I have been a wall flower on the wall of my life just watching this kid try and fake it until he makes it.  I don't know what this kid needs.  I know that I need is to take out the trash.  I need to take of this pack of bricks. 
I have heard it said that shame should be like a hot pan that you have in your hands,  you just drop it!  just let go.  It is not that simple though, at least not for me.  I have to be doing every thing that I can to be using the experience i have gained from making so many horrible choices to be making at least my life better, and then eventually getting to the point where I can help others avoid similar pit falls. 
The thing about wanting to be a good leader, is that you have to know who to follow.  I need to have enough love for myself that I do good things for me.  When I start doing that I can think about how to teach others.  That is the farthest thing from my mind right now.  Right now I am trying to figure out how I am going to find something to work for that makes me feel somewhat whole.  Some semblance of peace.. 
I am confident, as I always have been, that I will turn these lemons into lemonaide.  I will find a way to get out of my way.  I will never stop trying.  I will never stop becoming better. 
I have no idea what I was just blathering about but it felt good to just let the words flow.  Thanks for listening, my one imaginary friend.

Like a shimmering Mermaid, mid jump.

Okay, lets see if this works. That title was awesome though. So great. This feels semi-productive. It's too cold outside for any kind of out door activities. The type of cold where you turn around and go back inside while your still inside opening the door. Brrrrr..... So I was kind of haphazardly looking for jobs just now. It's not that I can't find one. I found a bunch. When you dedicate 3 years to selling stuff door to door, people want you to work for them. The problem is, I don't want to do something just because I can. Like, "Oh, hey I would be relatively successful if I only cared about being better than other people at a particular task." That doesn't do it for me anymore. I'm sure that factored into some of my earlier motivation surges. I don't feel bad about that, it's just not the way it is anymore. Where does that leave me now? Now that I don't care about impressing anyone. I only care about freedom. That's the reason I make money. When I am free I am happy. Money helps me to be free. Or at least, that is what I believe and so I make it true. Either way though, it doesn't make a difference. I need it. So that is the predicimant. Money. Do I go out on another sales spluge just because I can make the most money that way? Nahh... I don't need money that bad. I feel like I can be happy doing something that I am good at and can get compensated monetarily for. I really believe that. If your are genuinely enjoying what you are doing and who you are while you are doing it than you are going to be doing exceptionally well(at it :). see what I did with the smiley face there? nice...