I haven't been here in a while. That means a lot of things, for sure. It's not one of those things I could just sum up. Unless I had to of course, then it's usually short and sweet. You know, good, or, well. Those lovely social situations in which you are compelled to give an answer. This is different though. This is of my own free will.
Let's see then. Well, I suppose the first thing is what is the context? Who am I reporting to? Oh yeah, I am choosing to do this. Hoping it will help. Hoping that crazy invisible weight will ease up a little bit. Fluttering on the fringes of regret it starts to feel something like anxiety. Always, or at least, always in the back ground. I have kind of accepted it as perminent companion. At least, at times.
The thing is, I'm not a depressing person. The last thing I would want anyone to feel is that kind of regret. Oh I know that I say, and even sometimes genuinely feel things like, " I have no regrets because those things made me the person that I am, and thank God for that. " but most of the time, I'm not so sure. Not so sure what the person I am is. Not so much sure what the person I want to be is.
One thing for sure is that I have definately had a hefty variety of life experiences. I think of the phrase, "started from the bottom, now I'm here." and think that mine would be more like, "started from the top, now I'm here, at the bottom" ha ha. Look at me, Mr. Serious. Mr. Analyze. It's good though, if I can keep though if I can keep all those synapsus occupied. Even, if I can stay occupied in a semi-nondestructive way
that would be possibly acceptable. The thing is, it doesn't seem to stay consistent in the gray area. I'm either moving forward, or backwards, or maybe sideways. Even when I think I'm moving forward I likely am moving sideways, at best.
I'm still alive though. There is still a light that shines. I haven't managed to completely distinguish that, even though I am starting to know that it is possible. Over a long enough period of time. You are what you repeatedly do. I don't enjoy looking at it that way because I like to think that is not who I am, but what I do, but deep down, something tells me I know better. I don't know if that is coming from a good or bad place. It didn't used to be like that for sure.
So what now? I've got all this "experience". That's pretty vague, I know. It's like a check, it really only does me any good if there's money in the bank. Which means I have to apply all of these "lessons" I've learned. They have to be in quotations because they're not mine yet.
But hey, don't fret. Fall seven times, get up eight. Right?
