I need a safe place. This is probably the avenue I am looking for. It's dark, and I don't think anyone is listening and that is just what I need. I need to write, because I don't do it anymore. I don't ever have anything profound to say, but do I have to? I don't think anyone is listening here, which is comforting, but at the same time the thought that someone might actually read this is also comforting. Depending on who it is, and what this is about. As for now, I'm just letting my fingers punch around and watching to see what happens.
I can, and do, start to think if this is going to be an uplifting blog or a depressing one. This is no good. By pre-determining what kind of outcome I am trying to create I am tainting the honesty and genienuity of this, which is me. That being said, I don't even think I really want to talk about me. I just want to talk about something, or nothing at all. I just want to talk.(write)
There is one good thing for you, if your there. I am not going to flaunt all of the new revelations and insights I've had about myself or life in general. I don't know a thing about life and I am definately not in a position to try to lead anyone in any way to enlightenment. I am a feather, floating.
I haven't denounced my religion or my beliefs, but I haven't been living them either. So I suppose in a way I have denounced them.
Do I deserve to have the friends that I have? Can I call myself a friend? Can someone love me if I don't love myself, can I love someone else? Do I have to be miserable if I don't go to church? Can I care at all about anyone else if I don't care about myself?
I am going to be 22 in a week and a half. I am old. I've got nothing to show for it. I am tired, I am lonely. I don't want anyone to be with me because, whoever they are, they deserve someone better. Seriously though, someone better than who I am right now. Right now I am a liability. But I can't bury the feeling that there is someone, someone who loves me and someone I love. I know some people who they could be, but I don't think I know who that person is.
I don't want to sound melodramatic or emo or anything like that and I can see by the way this blog is going, that is what is going to happen. I love you all.
