Does it matter?

I don't think anyone reads this thing but that is irrelevant.  Honestly it is slightly helpful to think at least someone is going to read it.  So I guess the thought is equally beneficial. 
I'm still on the same topic of trying to decide what the hell I want to be when I grow up.  Or to just avoid the sorry attempt at cuteness and just say it, I need to find a job, or rather, a way to make some money.  I know that I am going to have to get a job.  There is no avoiding that.  The key for me, I think, is to have something to work for.  Motivation.  And I am happy to say that today I got some very solid idea's flowing. 
Breaks are nice.  Obviously, I like to brake.  I like to pace myself and all those other phrases that make being lazy sound like a methodic plan of action.  I don't want to get burned out, that sort of thing.  The truth is, at least presently, that I am all breaked out.  I think maybe the idea is if I sit around long enough I'm going to eventually give in and just do something amazing already.  Like its a chore that I have to set aside a Saturday for, or maybe, heaven forbid, a whole weekend. 
I haven't burned so many brain cells that I am completely ignorant to the fact that I am going to have to consistently be somewhat responsible for a substantual amount of time.  It is going to be a process and I am going to have to work at it. 
If I take a step back,  I can see that this is something I have been working on for a very long time.  I mean, I can just read this blog and realize that I have put some thought into my future and the person I want to be.  Granted, the person that I want to be these days is a little more "liberal". 
I think one of the biggest differences between people who work for, and people who are worked for, is a relentless determination to never stop finding ways to more effectively help people get what they want.  It's really just me putting myself in the right place at the right time. 
I always thought that the term, "being in the right place, at the right time" meant that some stroke of luck came along and just whisped all your problems away and placed a giant gold nugget at your feet.  The truth is it has everything to do with YOU making the conscious effort to put yourself in opportunities path.  No one will or can do it for you.  And it's not even just a decision you make but the sum of every decision you make, every day. 
Look at me, all high on my soap box.  I should at least refer to ME, and not YOU, when I am preaching.  Obviously I am no real expert on the subject of successful careers.  I am just contemplating here.  I have had moments of greatness in my life.
That's the whole problem.  I have short spurts of productivity followed almost innevitably by the plunge.  I have to believe the plunge comes because I am doing things for the wrong reasons. I am trying to skip steps.  Trying to build a mansion on a sketchy foundation.  The sketchy foundation comes from a lack of self worth, which comes from a lack of personal integrity.  I have known about all of these techniques yet failed to implement them.  I have done everything that I said I would never do. I have been a wall flower on the wall of my life just watching this kid try and fake it until he makes it.  I don't know what this kid needs.  I know that I need is to take out the trash.  I need to take of this pack of bricks. 
I have heard it said that shame should be like a hot pan that you have in your hands,  you just drop it!  just let go.  It is not that simple though, at least not for me.  I have to be doing every thing that I can to be using the experience i have gained from making so many horrible choices to be making at least my life better, and then eventually getting to the point where I can help others avoid similar pit falls. 
The thing about wanting to be a good leader, is that you have to know who to follow.  I need to have enough love for myself that I do good things for me.  When I start doing that I can think about how to teach others.  That is the farthest thing from my mind right now.  Right now I am trying to figure out how I am going to find something to work for that makes me feel somewhat whole.  Some semblance of peace.. 
I am confident, as I always have been, that I will turn these lemons into lemonaide.  I will find a way to get out of my way.  I will never stop trying.  I will never stop becoming better. 
I have no idea what I was just blathering about but it felt good to just let the words flow.  Thanks for listening, my one imaginary friend.

Like a shimmering Mermaid, mid jump.

Okay, lets see if this works. That title was awesome though. So great. This feels semi-productive. It's too cold outside for any kind of out door activities. The type of cold where you turn around and go back inside while your still inside opening the door. Brrrrr..... So I was kind of haphazardly looking for jobs just now. It's not that I can't find one. I found a bunch. When you dedicate 3 years to selling stuff door to door, people want you to work for them. The problem is, I don't want to do something just because I can. Like, "Oh, hey I would be relatively successful if I only cared about being better than other people at a particular task." That doesn't do it for me anymore. I'm sure that factored into some of my earlier motivation surges. I don't feel bad about that, it's just not the way it is anymore. Where does that leave me now? Now that I don't care about impressing anyone. I only care about freedom. That's the reason I make money. When I am free I am happy. Money helps me to be free. Or at least, that is what I believe and so I make it true. Either way though, it doesn't make a difference. I need it. So that is the predicimant. Money. Do I go out on another sales spluge just because I can make the most money that way? Nahh... I don't need money that bad. I feel like I can be happy doing something that I am good at and can get compensated monetarily for. I really believe that. If your are genuinely enjoying what you are doing and who you are while you are doing it than you are going to be doing exceptionally well(at it :). see what I did with the smiley face there? nice...

Fall seven times, get up, nine?

I haven't been here in a while.  That means a lot of things, for sure.  It's not one of those things I could just sum up.  Unless I had to of course,  then it's usually short and sweet.  You know, good, or, well.  Those lovely social situations in which you are compelled to give an answer.  This is different though.  This is of my own free will.
 Let's see then.  Well, I suppose the first thing is what is the context?  Who am I reporting to?  Oh yeah,  I am choosing to do this.  Hoping it will help.  Hoping that crazy invisible weight will ease up a little bit.  Fluttering on the fringes of regret it starts to feel something like anxiety.  Always, or at least, always in the back ground.  I have kind of accepted it as perminent companion.  At least, at times.
The thing is, I'm not a depressing person.  The last thing I would want anyone to feel is that kind of regret.  Oh I know that I say, and even sometimes genuinely feel things like, " I have no regrets because those things made me the person that I am, and thank God for that. " but most of the time, I'm not so sure.  Not so sure what the person I am is.  Not so much sure what the person I want to be is. 
One thing for sure is that I have definately had a hefty variety of life experiences.  I think of the phrase, "started from the bottom, now I'm here."  and think that mine would be more like, "started from the top, now I'm here, at the bottom" ha ha.  Look at me, Mr. Serious.  Mr. Analyze.  It's good though,  if I can keep though if I can keep all those synapsus occupied.  Even, if I can stay occupied in a semi-nondestructive way
that would be possibly acceptable.  The thing is, it doesn't seem to stay consistent in the gray area.  I'm either moving forward, or backwards,  or maybe sideways.  Even when I think I'm moving forward I likely am moving sideways, at best.
I'm still alive though.  There is still a light that shines.  I haven't managed to completely distinguish that, even though I am starting to know that it is possible.  Over a long enough period of time.  You are what you repeatedly do.  I don't enjoy looking at it that way because I like to think that is not who I am, but what I do, but deep down, something tells me I know better.  I don't know if that is coming from a good or bad place.  It didn't used to be like that for sure.
So what now?  I've got all this "experience".  That's pretty vague, I know.  It's like a check, it really only does me any good if there's money in the bank.  Which means I have to apply all of these "lessons" I've learned.  They have to be in quotations because they're not mine yet. 
But hey, don't fret.  Fall seven times, get up eight.  Right?

the sanest insanity

This happens sometimes. Often, actually. I get so caught up in trying to figure out the best place to start that I never actually get started. I think about what I should or need to do so much that I never actually do anything. It's quite unproductive actually. Counter, even. So is the case with this blog, I've thought several times that I should catch up a bit on here, but then can't think of what would be the most relevant thing to share.
I kind of feel like I just woke up from one of those dreams where I was running around in my underwear and everyone just accepted it, there was something close to pitty on their faces. Come to find out, I am usually the last person to realize these types of things, or atleast, admit them. I am completely insane. There, I said it. If I wanted to be a little more gentle I could say that my thinking and my behavior has been completely insane. My behavior has improved dramatically but I still think way too much for my own good. I suffer my thinking. I do, it's exhausting. It's making me suffer right now a bit, so I'm going to do something different.

tickle of grass
helps me to be
moving too fast
it gets hard to see

vibrant peddles
bloom and they flower
and I still meddle
hour by hour

the sad truth
I see in my youth
they will fulfill their purpose
more completely than anything more complex

and I still try in vain
to play God
to control with my brain
as you nod
yep, he's insane.

Maybe that was, helpful, maybe not. I was too lazy to indent, which probably would have taken less time than writing this sentence. Probably. At this point though, it is highly likely that it would have taken less time. See, at first I made a feeble attempt to indent, and the little blinking bar that has another name that I can't think of right now jumped right back to the middle. It was in the middle before because I was writing that poem thing. That was a pretty humble attempt at poetry. I used the word humble because I already used the word "feeble" a sentence or too ago. Seemed tacky, or excessive, or both. Anyway, sorry I didn't indent, I don't know if that threw you off or anything. I hope you still like me. What is it that I can do that would make you like me again?

Okay, that last paragraph illustrates pretty accurately how insane I am. I spend way more energy worrying about the percieved problem or task than it would take to actually solve the problem. The fear is way more painful than the actually reality of any of it. The thinking, more exhausting than the doing. So why over-think? Why procrastinate? Why fear? I don't know. That's why it is insane.

Heart Sweat

Notes. Hm. I like this. I like it here. I think I'll stay a minute. I don't know if I will make any sense, or if I am supposed to. I don't know if I will be profound, or what that is. If this is a think piece than I am Einstein. But it's not, and I'm not. But it might be. Anyways. I'm thinkin' about people. Thinkin' about you guys again. Why do people shed me with love at a level higher than I (at least, often) deserve? Is it a sense of duty? Is it because they think someone might be watching? Why do I love people when they sometimes don't love me back, at least, not in the way that I want them to? Is it because I am trying to impress someone? Maybe sometimes. Definately sometimes. I think thats okay too. My font just changed. Not for effect though. It was an accident. It was bothering me. What is that invisible line that connects me and you. I'm not being corny. I'm being serious. If cornyness were a word, and that word were some by product of saying something sincere then what a splendid stigma indeed. If that is even what that would be. I only pretend to be smart. And I usually don't even do that much.

I really don't know much. I do know that a life without love is not much of a life at all. It is all that matters to me. Relationships. I could care less how much money I have if I didn't have anyone to spend it with. I am you and we are each other. This isn't some hippy B.S., or maybe it is, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

Any religion I have ever studied has pointed to this same truth. That truth is that we are here to love and to experience love. And that love is not a feeling. The most joyous, lasting feelings we can have are side effects of love. So what is then? An action? Is it a pelvic thrust? That is disgusting. It is definately not. That is just another joyous side effect. Side effects. That's it. My focus has been all wrong. I have been focusing on the side effect. Trying to duplicate the feeling of sacrifice with a cheap thrill or by creating a false sense of being by trying to duplicate a side effect of love. Which is adrenaline. It's a rush.

I don't need a girl to love. I can't have a girl until I learn to love. I try so hard to love. I try. I glorify and fantasize the trying. I want to love everyone else and I want everyone to love me. I just don't want to love myself. This creates problems. I wanna go through the roof without hitting the ceiling. I have tried to condense the side effects of love, then water them down, for good measure of course, and eat em. Doesn't work. I promise. It really doesn't. You'll go to sleep loving smoke, or cig, or show, or carpet or numbness or freaking lamp and you wake up alone loving nothing and no one. Especially not yourself. Myself.

Ahhh but good news. There is such good news. Such wonderfully exquisite news that it makes me want to give you a hug and never let go. I don't even care who you are. At all. The good news is that it is not too late for me to love myself. Not too late at all. If you try to love everyone else, often times at your own expense, by imitating the side effects of love through instant gratification and then telling people what you think they would like to hear, then that is not love at all. That is just trickery. but that doesn't matter any more.

I am not wondering why you love ME any more. I am wondering why I don't love myself. I am wondering why you don't love me more. I think it's cause I'm lazy. but either way. I love myself right now. i love myself for writing this. I love myself for having the awareness to say that I need to love myself more. I love myself for having a faint idea of what love is. At least what it is to me. To me, love is a decision. It is a decision that every other decision you make stems from. It is integrity. It is sacrifice. It is doing something for someone to make them feel good not to make you look good. It is secret. It is quite. It is riviting and it will shake you to the very core. It is that gentle pat on the back and it is that cold hard reality. It is whatever it needs to be. It is anything that is good and it is all that matters.

I pretend to know so much about love but where is the evidence? I don't think you can rate the amount of love you have with the amount of girls you have had physical or emotional encounters with. I am not a pimp. I'm not a player. I'm not a gangster. I'm not a stud. I'm not smooth. I'm alone because I don't love myself as much as I love anyone who I want to be with. So they can't love me. It's gotta be the most painful thing in the world.

This isn't a depressing note. This is an honest note. And where there is honesty, there can be closure. I am Taylor Spainhower and I love myself. I even love that I am so worried about not being the best person that I can that I completely shut down for a long time. Because I am still here. And I still know where and Who to turn to help me love myself. It is the only way for me. And I love that. I set it up that way. He is love. And I am going to start letting Him in. Thanks for reading that sparatic banter.

I LOVE YOU. AND I LOVE ME TOO.

positive vibrations.

Catching up? What is the purpose? All those things are gone. The good and the bad. The beauty and the Hell. It is what it is and as of this moment, it is all relevant. It is relevant because it is the journey that led me here. Here and now. Right now I am Taylor Spainhower. I have a wonderful life. I am growing and learning everyday and I am walking the path that is innevitably leading to enlightenment, or, the end of suffering. I will still experience pain. I will still hurt. My perspective on pain and hurt is the one change. It is the only thing that matters. What I percieve is what I am. I am a very lucky person. I am a beautiful person. I love people, and people love me. I am a budding flower that is only made more beautiful by the rain, snow, sleet and Hell that I endure. I love my job, and I am great at what I do. My passion in life is relationships and creating them and honoring them. People can sense my genuine desire to help which is why I am one of the five best salesmen in the country. I am one of the five best salesmen in the Country. I have so much to learn and I am extremely grateful for my flaws because they give me the abbility to forget myself. I am Taylor Spainhower because I am not thinking of Taylor Spainhower. I am thinking of you and how I can help you. I am helping myself by helping others. All the problems I have are illusions. Illusions of lack. My life is plentiful. It is abundant in every single way because I make it that way, every day. I am not my addictions. I have no addictions. I am happy and healthy. I can and will and am doing and accomplishing everything I want. All negativity is irrelevant. It is non existent. I am the most positive person in the most positive circumstances. I am a beautiful, selfless, giving person. I always will be.

That being said, I still wonder. I choose not to give focus to my ego, which is the source of my problems. So as of now, thats all I can report. It's simply that life is too beautiful and short, not to recognize that and seize every moment.

I. Was bound to be back