Life is really just a series of cycles. I would like to think that it was more just a slanting line that went straight to the top. I would like to think that we are all good people with good hearts and good intentions and that God will be able to see our hearts and over look all the other stuff. Then again, I don't know about you but I pretty much do what I want. Not necessarily what I want deep down but I can almost always be counted on to do whatever I want to do, at that moment. Usually it is whatever is easiest and filled with the most instant gratification. Usually I want to do what I am not supposed to. Sure, I could probably argue that I still love people, and in my heart I would love for everyone to just get along and I would love to just do what I was supposed to all of the time.
I have spent a good portion of my life trying to convince myself to believe in something other than what I know to be true. Sometimes, as I jot down this almost exclusively useless philosiphical banter, something sort of profound will emerge. So far, that last sentence really hit me. I truly have spend the majority of my time trying to apply the principles I was willing to, and then making excuses not to follow the rest. I recently had a conversation with a 20 year old kid that went on a mission only to be sent home a few months later. Like the spineless chameleon I am, I transform into I green lizard man and tell him what I know he wants to hear from me. Anyways, we came to the conclusion that we would go to church and be active if only the church would "let" us smoke pot.
No, really, that is where I am at right now. I don't study the gospel, I study youtube video's for new information on proposition 19 in California, which is an initiative to make smoking marajuana legal. That is the best thing I have going for me right now, the possibility of weed becoming legal. If you get enough misguided, misinformed, rebellious youth together, they just reinforce destructive lies. I am one of them. I am a reinforcer for sure.
I need to have voices of reason in my life. Right now, at best the voices that I listen to are misinformed. I'm not saying that all of them are malignant, evil people who are just trying to leave me astray. I think that most of my friends truly do believe that their way of life is really better than all of these uptight mormons.
It's strange to think that I am only 22 and I have been about as far as you can go on both sides of the fence. It scares me. It makes me think, I really tried for 2 years, I mean, really tried to be good. I did more than try, I did. I acted instead of talked. Instead of sitting in someone's car parked in their drive way smoking pot, I walked to whatever uplifting situation I could. I think that lot's of this stems from black and white thinking, which is a topic I might touch on because it is such a huge and relevant issue especially here in Utah County. This is the thinking that gets kids to commit suicide.
This is the thinking that tells you, or told you, that that man smoking a cigerette out there is a bad person. It says that your either on a mission or your a drug addict. It would have you think that because you made a mistake you might as well make as much as possible because your already screwed. It tells me that I have to be like my sister and if not, then I am like my brother. This radical thinking has never done me any good.
Is there a happy medium? Is that what I need to find? Or are my suspicions correct? Is there no middle road for me? Am I too aware of God's plan for me to be content with a life where I have settled for anything short of spreading the love that has been so mercifully showered upon my head? Probably. Either way, I am taking people with me, whether I know about it or not. They probably both know that. I have let satan take my life for a joy ride and he doesn't want to give up the wheel. Everything I so or say is tainted influence
2 comments:
Taylor,
I just wanted to say that you are an excellent writer. I am not sure how to comment on this post because I agree with so many of the points that you make about there being a really harsh line between black and white living. I don't know what to believe. Part of me wants to say, of course when you are living completely in the light then that is when you are the most happy...but I just don't think that anyone EVER lives completely in the light. A happy medium is not what the church teaches, because it so often leans towards the less safe way, but the church also teaches us that we are not perfect. That we are human. That this is a learning process an entire lifetime worth of growing and building upon our experiences. No church member, family member or friend should look at a 22 year old and say, "He should have EXACTLY who he is figured out by now. That just doesn't make sense, and I am sorry if there are people in your life who are judging you that way. All I can say is, I am sorry for your situation right now because it seems to be causing you emotional angst and that lack of peace seems to be the most disconcerting thing to you at this time. I do have a testimony of peace that comes from listening to the Lord quietly after prayer and feeling the spirit at little times throughout the week that just confirm that you aren't alone. Continue to search and ponder, seek diligently. You will find the path you are meant to be on. Sometimes all God asks of us is to patiently endure.
Taylor,
Like Sara, I'm not sure how to comment on this post. You are an excellent writer and I enjoy reading your posts.
The "perfectionist" attitude of where we live can be hard to handle. It's hard to live in a place where you feel constantly compared to those around you. But, at least that gives us something to strive for. Some sort of goal to accomplish.
At the same time we have to remember that it is impossible for us to be perfect right now. So what we really should be striving for is a balance between letting ourselves understand and accept our mistakes but also of trying to learn and grow from them so that we don't make them again.
I don't know if I'm even making any sense. But you wrote your feelings and I feel I must write mine in response.
You are a great person. The Lord knows that. He only wants what's best for you. To see you grow and striving to return to Him.
You don't need to know exactly where you want to be in 10 years right now. But you need to know where you want to be for eternity. I hope that this doesn't offend you. Like I said, I don't really know what to say to help, but I at least need to know that I've tried, even a little.
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