http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72xVqMl32HA
For added effect, copy that link in a new window and push play while you read. Maybe?
Okay, so I'm floundering. No, scratch that. I am floundering. Period. But I think there is something to be said of floundering. To flounder denotes a certain level of struggle. To struggle is to use, at least, a semblance of effort. When people say that their cousin is struggling, what they really mean is that they are floundering. At best.
Okay, this one could be a tangent.
One of my misconceptions about the Gospel, is that I have to completely make amends for everything I have done before I can forgive myself or begin to feel peace. That is really what it is all about, forgive yourself. When I am judged, it is not God that I am mostly afraid of, It's myself. I know that the only way to forgive myself is through Him. I am not really in a place to bear my testimony and I wouldn't want to do that right now because, if I do decide to live the way I have been living the last little while, it wouldn't help me in the end. Quite the contrary I think.
I was thinking about relationships. I was thinking about how much I love people and my relationships with them. It made me sad because I know how much more I could really love them if I was living the way I should. I can only love someone as much as I love myself and right now that isn't very much. That sounded emo. It wasn't, I'm okay, just overly self aware. I was thinking about my parents and my family and how they love me so much, that they won't be content or at peace until I am. I am sure, that it is so easy for them to tell if I am living in the way that I know I should be living. When I am with my friends I am doing whatever I can to distract myself from that.
I have started writing again, and I think it is fueling this mustard seed of willingness that I have been feeling lately. I don't know, I enjoy writing things that people can see sometimes, but I kinda feel hypocritical just talking about changing my life. I don't want it to be like the days where I went to church so that people could see me there. I am lucky enough, however, to have experienced going to church for the right reasons. And it was amazing. The answer seems so simple, and it really is.
I don't know, if you don't mind, whoever the three or four people who are that read this, which, by the way, I wanted to thank you for, wait, one more comma, there. Okay start over. I think I might just write on this thing because any support is good support. And I need all the support I can get, if I am going to do this. Which I am. I have to. And I really do appreciate your support in caring enough to read this.
Tomorrow I am not going to wake up and be cured. I am just barely getting to the point where the pain of the problem is becoming more than the pain of the solution. The solution, for me, is painful. Of course it is, I have done some horrible things after I was given some wonderful gifts.
It's time though. I'm freaking 22 years old. I have a mustache. It's sketchy but it has taken me 22 years to grow. It is my only accomplishment. Ha ha jk. That was so drab. I can't believe I just said drab. As you can see it is hard for me to stay focused.
I am not intoxicated. My mind just goes all the time and doesn't like to stick in one spot for too long. Maybe I trained it because so many of those spots are uncomfortable for me right now? Okay that was deep. Maybe too deep. What is this? A one man therapy session? With some possible observers?
Maybe I should just keep it to the random tangent, or observation and stop trying to be philisophical or introspective or self-aware or brutally honest or spiritual. I don't know. Whatever, I've got nothing to hide. It's going to be shouted from the rooftops unless I take care of it anyways. Honesty. At least I have that.
I'll check in again soon and hopefully have some wonderful things to say that I can feel a little more worthy of saying. Love.
3 comments:
Good luck tay!!! Remember, one step at a time. I know I struggle with that. The process of getting to the end will make you strongest. :) You're awesome! There really are so many people who want you to know they love and support you! Good luck again!
" I can only love someone as much as I love myself" Crazy Tay. I literally was thinking this exact thought last night. I knelt down and started saying the usual prayer, and I decided I wanted to just listen as my prayer. God said that the purpose of being here was to learn how to love better. that's it. simple, not confusing, beautiful. I asked how and he told me that I can't give what I don't have. I cannot love others if I don't love myself,or, I can only love others to the extent I love myself. So, that's the first and possibly hardest step. possibly the easiest. I don't know.
For some reason I feel I need to destroy all expectations on a periodical basis. Maybe it's a sick way to test someones love, I dunno. But, don't let the fear of falling (not failing), stop you from trying. I always think of change like a space shuttle: It takes a superhuman effort and loads of fuel to even get inches off the ground, and tons more energy and effort to break through the atmosphere, but once we hit space it's almost effortless. just course correction here and there.
Most of us exert so much energy to get an inch off the ground just to give up, but that first inch is the hardest one to get. The next is easier, blah blah blah. I feel like I should write my own blog. This is a long comment.
Hang tough man.
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