Random, Sparatic, Movements.

I paid 30 dollars for a couple of spy pens and a lazer pointer. I just emptied my pockets of plastic baggies that they put the nickles in. I can still see the sick, perverted pleasure in that old mans eyes as I handed him yet another five dollar bill. "This is the last one" I would say and he would nod and give me a smirk as if to say, "You'll be back young man, I own you."
Okay, maybe that was a little dramatic. But still, Nickle City robbed me. If I ever went to Vegas to gamble there is no doubt in my mind that I would return with nothing to show for it but a pathetic, patchy beard and some of those little hotel shampoo bottles.
How often in life have a sacrificed peace and happiness for a cheap thrill or some type of instant gratification that was over as soon as it began? How often have I told satan that is was the last time only to have him laugh at me as if to say, "I own you"? How often do I put in a nickles worth of effort hoping, hoping to get back a dollars worth of progress or blessings? The answer is a lot. Maybe even almost all of the time.
It was so wonderful to sit inside the Temple today between work shifts and just be. I didn't have to think, or act or try. It was the exact opposite. That is what I love about the temple, or often times, life. If I can just still my mind enough to let go and stop trying to control everything, I always have the most peaceful feeling of reassurance. It as if I am being told, "There. See how much better you feel when you let me control?" This is such a hard concept. To relinquish all thought. I am only able to achieve maybe ten seconds of thoughtlessness at a time, but it is also helpful for me to imagine my thoughts as little sail boats floating down a river. I can see them, I can even acknowledge their presence, but they are not the river. They are not me. I don't even have to judge them or stop them, they can just float on through. Woah, that was a super tangent. Way off the subject, but hey, you know me. Random and speratic.
I bought a Lizard and a Frog like a week ago. David Bowie, my Lizard is green and he cost seven dollars. Half as much as I spent on a magic spy pen tonight that broke on the car ride home. I figure if I can keep him alive for 2 months, then maybe I can get a girlfriend. Maybe I will approve of myself. Don't take this the wrong way but today, just to check, I asked myself, "Would I date me?" And no, I would not date me. My liabilities out weight my benifits. I think I am still the new boy at work and I think I have managed to trick the girls into thinking I am somewhat of a responsible person. They'll catch on soon enough.
It is a sad and lonely place to be where I am. Sometimes I trick myself into thinking that if I can just get girls to compliment me, or if I am being honest, if I can just be some kind of object that women desire than I will feel better. Then I won't be lonely cause I know that I could "get" a girl if I wanted. This never helps. Well, I've never really managed to pull it off but something tells me that it wouldn't help. I know I am a good person and I hope I don't sound vain, but I feel like if a girl really got to know me then she would like me.
I go on dates and I have fun and I have friends. I compare every girl to her, and that makes it hard, because no one is going to measure up to her. I wonder if I will ever measure up to her? I do know that I respect her enough to never pursue the type of relationship that I would like to have with her unless I was consistently living up to the standards that she holds herself to.