Fearless Honesty

I am not fearless. I am afraid. I am hurting and broken. I don't know who reads these, and this probably isn't the best place to have a confessional. I don't even feel like it is completely necissary or maybe even a good idea to be as honest as I am about to be over the computer. The reason why I am going to do this is because this is not a change in direction but a bump in the road. It is quite a large bump but I am not the person I have been acting like the last several days, and through it all, I knew that the sooner I come clean and recommit myself to serving the Lord, the sooner this horrible feeling will go away.
The last 14 and a half months I have, for the most part, been true to myself for the first time in my life. I have stood up for what is right. I have done my best to be a Disciple of Jesus Christ. That is who I am, and this last week, I lost myself.
Over the last couple of months I have been slipping slowly into old ways of thinking and behaving. I have been seeking instant gratification in all of its various forms. I have distanced myself from the Lord enough to lose the protection I have needed. I deliberately took off the Armor of God, and went straight into the most dangerous of battle fields. And this last week, I lost. I became a casualty of war, of my own war with myself and with evil and with disciplining my body to listen to my spirit. I became a casualty to the colorful things of the world. Specifics are not important and not what I am going to talk about.
I will say that I decided to go to a birthday party of an old friend, whom I love dearly and whose life I can't be a part of. I have seen this cycle so many times that there is no way I could dilute myself into thinking that I would be able to hang out with my old friends and not do the same old things. I knew going to the party, despite trying to tell myself otherwise, that I was going to fall. It is the slow distancing myself from Heavenly Father that allowed me to be in a place where I was willing to sacrifice who I am for one night of (fun?). It is not their fault.
Throughout the whole experience I couldn't stop thinking about how much I was sacrificing. One of the hardest things about this whole thing is that throughout various drug treatment programs in which I have participated it has been said that relapse is a part of recovery. That is not true. It was such a wonderful feeling to feel like I knew that I would never touch any thing that would alter my state of being ever again. Relapse was not going to be part of my recovery. Well, now it is.
I am saying this because I need help. I need those people who love me to be aware of what I am going through so that they can support me and know that I need the help and love of everyone right now more than ever. This is not a time for me to hang my head in shame and isolate from the world, even though that is all I feel like doing at this moment. I am not that person anymore, but I know that I could quickly become that person again if I let this go on any longer.
The day I got out of jail I wrote this letter to myself while I was waiting for my parents to pick me up. I know it has helped me already and that this is going to be a struggle, but it is a struggle that I am going to make with the help of the Lord. And I AM going to make it. Hopefully this letter will possibly help someone else in some way. I know I wrote it in a place in my life where I was influenced by the Holy Ghost. Here is the letter I wrote myself. I forgot about this letter so I didn't open it after I had been sober for 6 months after jail like a had planned. But I am glad I saved it for tonight.


"Taylor,
If you are reading this than you either, 1. Just relapsed, 2. Have been sober for 6 months, or 3. Another reason in which you feel this letter would be appropriate to read.
Today, I am being released from Jail. I have been here for 8 months. While here the Lord has blessed me and changed my heart and my life. I have had many very powerful spiritual experiences. I have read the Book of Mormon everyday, and finished it twice. I have gained a Testimony that I know will always be a part of who I am.
I know that I need to at least pray and read scriptures every morning to stay sober. I know that the Lord has the power to forgive and take away my sins and that He has and the He will. I know that I must humble myself enough to confess them and trust His way. I know that if I do things my way that I will end up back in jail or dead. This way is the only way I can be happy.
Jail is horrible. It smells, it's boring, and there is nothing more to accomplish here. I hope that when I do read this that I am doing well. I hope that I am pleased with the progress I have made and with where I am in life. I hope I am helping people. I hope I have a wonderful relationship with my family.
If I am not doing these things, then I know that I can be. If I am reading this than it is not too late. But it has to happen NOW. I know that the best thing to do if I get off track is to get back on as soon as possible. I know that I will make mistakes and I know that I will be forgiven i I repent. I know that I deserve to be happy. God wants me to be happy now, I have suffered enough. Where ever you are in life, you can be happy right NOW, you have suffered enough. If you have a willing heart and a contrite spirit than immediately the plan of redemption will be brought to you. It will be put into affect immediately. Right now, as you read this letter, if you are motivated to change and do better, which I hope you are no matter where you are in life, than you need to stop feeling guilty and horrible and let the peace of the Atonement of Jesus Christ fill your heart. He loves you oh so much.
I know that I need to love others by serving them. I know that is when I am the most happy. And I can't be the tool I need to be unless I give myself to the Lord. Give it up Taylor. Give up the pride. Give up the girls. I don't care how cute she is, or how many of them want to do innapropriate things with you. And if you think that they all want to do innaproppriate things with you, get over yourself. And stop hanging out with girls who don't respect you or themselves. And if you love your old friends, you will stay away from them.
By the time I read this, I will still know all of these things are true. I will always know that.
Taylor, let go of your pride. I know it's there! I know you have it! Meditate. Pray. Listen. There is so much more to life than sitting in Jail or drinking alcohol or going to parties. Indeed, those things are quite similar. If you are doing these things, I know you are not happy. I hate to think that I am more happy, right now, sitting in a jail cell than you are right now, sitting in a self created prison of Hell. Agency is a gift, it is meant to be used. Use it wisely though, or you will lose it. There is nothing to accomplish in jail. Please don't come back here. Please. Taylor, I love you. I respect you. I thank you. I forgive you. Now go, shake those chains off of you and live!"

That is all that needs or could be said. I love all of you so much. I need your help. I need to shake these chains which haven't formed but will if I even give them the slightest opportunity. There is so much hope. Life is so beautiful. I am pleased with the progress I have made and with where I am in life. I know that Jesus Christ is the light and the way. Please don't be afraid or sad because of my stumble. It is not good that it happened, but it is good that I am being honest and moving forward. I say these things in the Name of Jesus Christ, Amen.