Catching up? What is the purpose? All those things are gone. The good and the bad. The beauty and the Hell. It is what it is and as of this moment, it is all relevant. It is relevant because it is the journey that led me here. Here and now. Right now I am Taylor Spainhower. I have a wonderful life. I am growing and learning everyday and I am walking the path that is innevitably leading to enlightenment, or, the end of suffering. I will still experience pain. I will still hurt. My perspective on pain and hurt is the one change. It is the only thing that matters. What I percieve is what I am. I am a very lucky person. I am a beautiful person. I love people, and people love me. I am a budding flower that is only made more beautiful by the rain, snow, sleet and Hell that I endure. I love my job, and I am great at what I do. My passion in life is relationships and creating them and honoring them. People can sense my genuine desire to help which is why I am one of the five best salesmen in the country. I am one of the five best salesmen in the Country. I have so much to learn and I am extremely grateful for my flaws because they give me the abbility to forget myself. I am Taylor Spainhower because I am not thinking of Taylor Spainhower. I am thinking of you and how I can help you. I am helping myself by helping others. All the problems I have are illusions. Illusions of lack. My life is plentiful. It is abundant in every single way because I make it that way, every day. I am not my addictions. I have no addictions. I am happy and healthy. I can and will and am doing and accomplishing everything I want. All negativity is irrelevant. It is non existent. I am the most positive person in the most positive circumstances. I am a beautiful, selfless, giving person. I always will be.
That being said, I still wonder. I choose not to give focus to my ego, which is the source of my problems. So as of now, thats all I can report. It's simply that life is too beautiful and short, not to recognize that and seize every moment.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
Monday, December 27, 2010
Donner Party
I probably sound like the most broke record that ever got broken. Once again, I have compelled God to compel me to be humble. I gotta stop doing that. I feel like the ball in brick breaker. Every once in a while I will hit a brick, but usually I miss. The closer I get to beating the level the longer I have to wait to hit the top and then come slowly, back down to the bottom so I can try again.
In this game, though, I never run out of bricks to hit and the more times I miss the harder it is to even get motivated bounce off the bouncer and head upward.
Back on the wagon as they say. My fellow pioneers are getting more and more skeptical that I will ever reach the promised land. I myself, am skeptical.
The great news is, is that my oxen (Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ) are extremely stubborn about not giving up on me. I can't shake the fact that there is so much more. That I have a divine purpose. And it is not to be the funny drunk kid at the party.
It sounds so simple, and it really is. It really is.
Well I am back on the wagon. Two weeks clean and sober. That doesn't sound like a lot but when your used to getting high or intoxicated every day two weeks is quite a long time. I think I will start writing on here again.
I just got a job today at Mcdonald's. I am actually quite proud of myself for that. I believe it is saying something about my willingness to do what I gotta do. I am a pretty prideful person and I need all of the humbling experiences that I can get. Whether I think I am better than what I really am or worse, It is all pride. They both keep me from being able to recieve the help and guidance that I need.
I am feeling better already (facebook). It's crazy how a conversation with someone that you know genuinely cares, can lift you up and literally put positive energy into your life. Well, It's late and I'm super duper tired so I'm gunna go to bed. Love you all....
In this game, though, I never run out of bricks to hit and the more times I miss the harder it is to even get motivated bounce off the bouncer and head upward.
Back on the wagon as they say. My fellow pioneers are getting more and more skeptical that I will ever reach the promised land. I myself, am skeptical.
The great news is, is that my oxen (Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ) are extremely stubborn about not giving up on me. I can't shake the fact that there is so much more. That I have a divine purpose. And it is not to be the funny drunk kid at the party.
It sounds so simple, and it really is. It really is.
Well I am back on the wagon. Two weeks clean and sober. That doesn't sound like a lot but when your used to getting high or intoxicated every day two weeks is quite a long time. I think I will start writing on here again.
I just got a job today at Mcdonald's. I am actually quite proud of myself for that. I believe it is saying something about my willingness to do what I gotta do. I am a pretty prideful person and I need all of the humbling experiences that I can get. Whether I think I am better than what I really am or worse, It is all pride. They both keep me from being able to recieve the help and guidance that I need.
I am feeling better already (facebook). It's crazy how a conversation with someone that you know genuinely cares, can lift you up and literally put positive energy into your life. Well, It's late and I'm super duper tired so I'm gunna go to bed. Love you all....
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Optimistic Floundering
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72xVqMl32HA
For added effect, copy that link in a new window and push play while you read. Maybe?
Okay, so I'm floundering. No, scratch that. I am floundering. Period. But I think there is something to be said of floundering. To flounder denotes a certain level of struggle. To struggle is to use, at least, a semblance of effort. When people say that their cousin is struggling, what they really mean is that they are floundering. At best.
Okay, this one could be a tangent.
One of my misconceptions about the Gospel, is that I have to completely make amends for everything I have done before I can forgive myself or begin to feel peace. That is really what it is all about, forgive yourself. When I am judged, it is not God that I am mostly afraid of, It's myself. I know that the only way to forgive myself is through Him. I am not really in a place to bear my testimony and I wouldn't want to do that right now because, if I do decide to live the way I have been living the last little while, it wouldn't help me in the end. Quite the contrary I think.
I was thinking about relationships. I was thinking about how much I love people and my relationships with them. It made me sad because I know how much more I could really love them if I was living the way I should. I can only love someone as much as I love myself and right now that isn't very much. That sounded emo. It wasn't, I'm okay, just overly self aware. I was thinking about my parents and my family and how they love me so much, that they won't be content or at peace until I am. I am sure, that it is so easy for them to tell if I am living in the way that I know I should be living. When I am with my friends I am doing whatever I can to distract myself from that.
I have started writing again, and I think it is fueling this mustard seed of willingness that I have been feeling lately. I don't know, I enjoy writing things that people can see sometimes, but I kinda feel hypocritical just talking about changing my life. I don't want it to be like the days where I went to church so that people could see me there. I am lucky enough, however, to have experienced going to church for the right reasons. And it was amazing. The answer seems so simple, and it really is.
I don't know, if you don't mind, whoever the three or four people who are that read this, which, by the way, I wanted to thank you for, wait, one more comma, there. Okay start over. I think I might just write on this thing because any support is good support. And I need all the support I can get, if I am going to do this. Which I am. I have to. And I really do appreciate your support in caring enough to read this.
Tomorrow I am not going to wake up and be cured. I am just barely getting to the point where the pain of the problem is becoming more than the pain of the solution. The solution, for me, is painful. Of course it is, I have done some horrible things after I was given some wonderful gifts.
It's time though. I'm freaking 22 years old. I have a mustache. It's sketchy but it has taken me 22 years to grow. It is my only accomplishment. Ha ha jk. That was so drab. I can't believe I just said drab. As you can see it is hard for me to stay focused.
I am not intoxicated. My mind just goes all the time and doesn't like to stick in one spot for too long. Maybe I trained it because so many of those spots are uncomfortable for me right now? Okay that was deep. Maybe too deep. What is this? A one man therapy session? With some possible observers?
Maybe I should just keep it to the random tangent, or observation and stop trying to be philisophical or introspective or self-aware or brutally honest or spiritual. I don't know. Whatever, I've got nothing to hide. It's going to be shouted from the rooftops unless I take care of it anyways. Honesty. At least I have that.
I'll check in again soon and hopefully have some wonderful things to say that I can feel a little more worthy of saying. Love.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Boils down to this.
Life is really just a series of cycles. I would like to think that it was more just a slanting line that went straight to the top. I would like to think that we are all good people with good hearts and good intentions and that God will be able to see our hearts and over look all the other stuff. Then again, I don't know about you but I pretty much do what I want. Not necessarily what I want deep down but I can almost always be counted on to do whatever I want to do, at that moment. Usually it is whatever is easiest and filled with the most instant gratification. Usually I want to do what I am not supposed to. Sure, I could probably argue that I still love people, and in my heart I would love for everyone to just get along and I would love to just do what I was supposed to all of the time.
I have spent a good portion of my life trying to convince myself to believe in something other than what I know to be true. Sometimes, as I jot down this almost exclusively useless philosiphical banter, something sort of profound will emerge. So far, that last sentence really hit me. I truly have spend the majority of my time trying to apply the principles I was willing to, and then making excuses not to follow the rest. I recently had a conversation with a 20 year old kid that went on a mission only to be sent home a few months later. Like the spineless chameleon I am, I transform into I green lizard man and tell him what I know he wants to hear from me. Anyways, we came to the conclusion that we would go to church and be active if only the church would "let" us smoke pot.
No, really, that is where I am at right now. I don't study the gospel, I study youtube video's for new information on proposition 19 in California, which is an initiative to make smoking marajuana legal. That is the best thing I have going for me right now, the possibility of weed becoming legal. If you get enough misguided, misinformed, rebellious youth together, they just reinforce destructive lies. I am one of them. I am a reinforcer for sure.
I need to have voices of reason in my life. Right now, at best the voices that I listen to are misinformed. I'm not saying that all of them are malignant, evil people who are just trying to leave me astray. I think that most of my friends truly do believe that their way of life is really better than all of these uptight mormons.
It's strange to think that I am only 22 and I have been about as far as you can go on both sides of the fence. It scares me. It makes me think, I really tried for 2 years, I mean, really tried to be good. I did more than try, I did. I acted instead of talked. Instead of sitting in someone's car parked in their drive way smoking pot, I walked to whatever uplifting situation I could. I think that lot's of this stems from black and white thinking, which is a topic I might touch on because it is such a huge and relevant issue especially here in Utah County. This is the thinking that gets kids to commit suicide.
This is the thinking that tells you, or told you, that that man smoking a cigerette out there is a bad person. It says that your either on a mission or your a drug addict. It would have you think that because you made a mistake you might as well make as much as possible because your already screwed. It tells me that I have to be like my sister and if not, then I am like my brother. This radical thinking has never done me any good.
Is there a happy medium? Is that what I need to find? Or are my suspicions correct? Is there no middle road for me? Am I too aware of God's plan for me to be content with a life where I have settled for anything short of spreading the love that has been so mercifully showered upon my head? Probably. Either way, I am taking people with me, whether I know about it or not. They probably both know that. I have let satan take my life for a joy ride and he doesn't want to give up the wheel. Everything I so or say is tainted influence
I have spent a good portion of my life trying to convince myself to believe in something other than what I know to be true. Sometimes, as I jot down this almost exclusively useless philosiphical banter, something sort of profound will emerge. So far, that last sentence really hit me. I truly have spend the majority of my time trying to apply the principles I was willing to, and then making excuses not to follow the rest. I recently had a conversation with a 20 year old kid that went on a mission only to be sent home a few months later. Like the spineless chameleon I am, I transform into I green lizard man and tell him what I know he wants to hear from me. Anyways, we came to the conclusion that we would go to church and be active if only the church would "let" us smoke pot.
No, really, that is where I am at right now. I don't study the gospel, I study youtube video's for new information on proposition 19 in California, which is an initiative to make smoking marajuana legal. That is the best thing I have going for me right now, the possibility of weed becoming legal. If you get enough misguided, misinformed, rebellious youth together, they just reinforce destructive lies. I am one of them. I am a reinforcer for sure.
I need to have voices of reason in my life. Right now, at best the voices that I listen to are misinformed. I'm not saying that all of them are malignant, evil people who are just trying to leave me astray. I think that most of my friends truly do believe that their way of life is really better than all of these uptight mormons.
It's strange to think that I am only 22 and I have been about as far as you can go on both sides of the fence. It scares me. It makes me think, I really tried for 2 years, I mean, really tried to be good. I did more than try, I did. I acted instead of talked. Instead of sitting in someone's car parked in their drive way smoking pot, I walked to whatever uplifting situation I could. I think that lot's of this stems from black and white thinking, which is a topic I might touch on because it is such a huge and relevant issue especially here in Utah County. This is the thinking that gets kids to commit suicide.
This is the thinking that tells you, or told you, that that man smoking a cigerette out there is a bad person. It says that your either on a mission or your a drug addict. It would have you think that because you made a mistake you might as well make as much as possible because your already screwed. It tells me that I have to be like my sister and if not, then I am like my brother. This radical thinking has never done me any good.
Is there a happy medium? Is that what I need to find? Or are my suspicions correct? Is there no middle road for me? Am I too aware of God's plan for me to be content with a life where I have settled for anything short of spreading the love that has been so mercifully showered upon my head? Probably. Either way, I am taking people with me, whether I know about it or not. They probably both know that. I have let satan take my life for a joy ride and he doesn't want to give up the wheel. Everything I so or say is tainted influence
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
The Definitive Word on Wisdom Lists.
So, I am 22 years old as of 39 minutes ago. That's 21 full years of trial and error. That's 21 years of good birthdays. Now I just get older. It's a long, slow ride downwards from here on out. Yeah right, that is so depressing. That picture up there is super random and has nothing to do with this post. Life is sooo rad and if it is a downhill ride from here, you know I'm gunna be shreddin the whole thing and just enjoying every morsel.
Here is what I've come up with after 21 years on this earth.
1. Fruit Gusher's are the best Fruit Snacks, which are the best snacks.
2. Blueberry Muffin tops are the best cereal, which is the best meal when your feeling lazy.
3. Taking baths is always better when you have bath products.
4. Talking definately isn't walking.
5. Watching people crash is the best type of humor.
6. You can never go wrong with the Beatles, Pink Floyd, or Radiohead. Ever.
7. Yoga really is awsome.
8. No one really knows what cool is.
9. Beware of the long toe.
10. Kneaders has the best breakfast.
11. God loves me, and you.
There is definately more. I love how I centered everything. It's so official. Maybe when I started I thought I might create the definitive word on Wisdom Lists, which I actually also just barely made up. Maybe I just wanted to ramble for a second, because it's my birthday. Well, "I have like 23 hours where I can use the "It's my birthday" card, so I better get started. Until next time. Old man river.
Here is what I've come up with after 21 years on this earth.
1. Fruit Gusher's are the best Fruit Snacks, which are the best snacks.
2. Blueberry Muffin tops are the best cereal, which is the best meal when your feeling lazy.
3. Taking baths is always better when you have bath products.
4. Talking definately isn't walking.
5. Watching people crash is the best type of humor.
6. You can never go wrong with the Beatles, Pink Floyd, or Radiohead. Ever.
7. Yoga really is awsome.
8. No one really knows what cool is.
9. Beware of the long toe.
10. Kneaders has the best breakfast.
11. God loves me, and you.
There is definately more. I love how I centered everything. It's so official. Maybe when I started I thought I might create the definitive word on Wisdom Lists, which I actually also just barely made up. Maybe I just wanted to ramble for a second, because it's my birthday. Well, "I have like 23 hours where I can use the "It's my birthday" card, so I better get started. Until next time. Old man river.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Nothing and Everything.
I need a safe place. This is probably the avenue I am looking for. It's dark, and I don't think anyone is listening and that is just what I need. I need to write, because I don't do it anymore. I don't ever have anything profound to say, but do I have to? I don't think anyone is listening here, which is comforting, but at the same time the thought that someone might actually read this is also comforting. Depending on who it is, and what this is about. As for now, I'm just letting my fingers punch around and watching to see what happens.
I can, and do, start to think if this is going to be an uplifting blog or a depressing one. This is no good. By pre-determining what kind of outcome I am trying to create I am tainting the honesty and genienuity of this, which is me. That being said, I don't even think I really want to talk about me. I just want to talk about something, or nothing at all. I just want to talk.(write)
There is one good thing for you, if your there. I am not going to flaunt all of the new revelations and insights I've had about myself or life in general. I don't know a thing about life and I am definately not in a position to try to lead anyone in any way to enlightenment. I am a feather, floating.
I haven't denounced my religion or my beliefs, but I haven't been living them either. So I suppose in a way I have denounced them.
Do I deserve to have the friends that I have? Can I call myself a friend? Can someone love me if I don't love myself, can I love someone else? Do I have to be miserable if I don't go to church? Can I care at all about anyone else if I don't care about myself?
I am going to be 22 in a week and a half. I am old. I've got nothing to show for it. I am tired, I am lonely. I don't want anyone to be with me because, whoever they are, they deserve someone better. Seriously though, someone better than who I am right now. Right now I am a liability. But I can't bury the feeling that there is someone, someone who loves me and someone I love. I know some people who they could be, but I don't think I know who that person is.
I don't want to sound melodramatic or emo or anything like that and I can see by the way this blog is going, that is what is going to happen. I love you all.
I can, and do, start to think if this is going to be an uplifting blog or a depressing one. This is no good. By pre-determining what kind of outcome I am trying to create I am tainting the honesty and genienuity of this, which is me. That being said, I don't even think I really want to talk about me. I just want to talk about something, or nothing at all. I just want to talk.(write)
There is one good thing for you, if your there. I am not going to flaunt all of the new revelations and insights I've had about myself or life in general. I don't know a thing about life and I am definately not in a position to try to lead anyone in any way to enlightenment. I am a feather, floating.
I haven't denounced my religion or my beliefs, but I haven't been living them either. So I suppose in a way I have denounced them.
Do I deserve to have the friends that I have? Can I call myself a friend? Can someone love me if I don't love myself, can I love someone else? Do I have to be miserable if I don't go to church? Can I care at all about anyone else if I don't care about myself?
I am going to be 22 in a week and a half. I am old. I've got nothing to show for it. I am tired, I am lonely. I don't want anyone to be with me because, whoever they are, they deserve someone better. Seriously though, someone better than who I am right now. Right now I am a liability. But I can't bury the feeling that there is someone, someone who loves me and someone I love. I know some people who they could be, but I don't think I know who that person is.
I don't want to sound melodramatic or emo or anything like that and I can see by the way this blog is going, that is what is going to happen. I love you all.
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